


To Hear the Angels Sing

by Minew



Category: SHINee
Genre: Angst, Christmas, Fantasy, Fluff, M/M, Romance, Supernatural - Freeform, angel - Freeform, references to death, slight taekai
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-10-04
Updated: 2017-10-09
Packaged: 2019-01-09 00:52:03
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 4
Words: 29,362
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12265557
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Minew/pseuds/Minew
Summary: “You’re an angel, Jinki. Don’t limit your mind.”---Or in which Jinki becomes a Christmas Angel and Kibum is his case.(Jonghyun did say falling in love with a human wasn't recommended but who is Jinki to listen anyway?)





	1. After Death

Jinki has never been surer of anything in his life. The platforms are empty, most people inside sitting around tables with people they hold dear. Snow is falling softly from the sky, making a beautiful exit. Jinki closes his eyes when the light of the train ahead shows itself and he counts 1-2-3 before he opens his eyes, judges the distance and jumps. He feels the impact the second the train hits him and then nothing. Everything turns black.  
  


✕✕✕  
  


“So messy,” a voice says with a snarl. The sound of a broom sweeping over a linoleum floor in a scratchy tone is the next thing Jinki hears and he slowly opens his eyes. The room he’s in has black walls, most of them covered with monitors that shows all parts of the world. He catches a glimpse of a hospital room before the screen shimmers and shows a forest instead.

“Always on my shift. Hey Taemin, you take November, right, nothing happens in November, they said and now I have to clean this mess like I don’t have enough to do tonight.”

Jinki turns his head towards the voice. A young man is sweeping the floor that looks spotless. The mess he’s talking about must be imaginary dust because Jinki doesn’t think he sees anything else. The screens shimmer again and changes location again, catching Jinki’s attention when it shows police and paramedics on an all too familiar train station. That’s when it hits him. He’s really dead.

“Hey trainwreck!” the voice says in front of him and Jinki jumps from his sitting position in surprise. The man tilts his head with an annoyed look and makes sweeping motions with his broom towards Jinki.

“Where am I?” Jinki asks and the man hits Jinki’s leg lightly to get him moving towards a large door behind him. Jinki hadn’t even noticed the door before. The man continues to urge Jinki towards it but he doesn’t answer the question.

“Hey Minho!” he shouts when he opens the door and pushes Jinki inside a new room. This one is in wood, wooden floors and wooden walls in a soft orange lighting. The furniture in it looks a little like what Jinki would imagine in an old office in an old castle. Something from the 1850’s. A man sits behind a large desk and he looks up with surprise when the young man calls for him.

“What are you doing here Taemin?” he asks and Jinki begins to connect their names to their faces.

“I got a trainwreck for you,” Taemin says and chuckles a little, satisfied with his way of addressing Jinki. Minho scrunches up his nose.

“Be nice to the dead.”

This seems to be an intern joke because Taemin snorts in laughter and pats Jinki’s shoulder and pushes him towards the desk in the same movement. With a loud sound, the door behind them slams closed and there’s silent in the room. Jinki assumes Taemin has left them alone, so he decides to try again.

“Where am I? I’m dead, right?”

Minho looks through his desk for a pair of glasses and a huge bundle of papers and he, too, ignores Jinki’s questions. Instead he flips through his papers until he finds what he’s looking for.

“Lee Jinki, born on December 14 1989, age 27, dead November 24 2017.”

Minho looks up and Jinki nods a little.

“Suicide by jumping in front of train.”

Here he clicks his tongue disapprovingly.

“But where am I?” Jinki asks again. He was certain death would be black nothingness but this is certainly not black nothingness and it’s a lot more confusing than he had expected it to be.

“Death,” Minho just says dismissively. “Tell me, Lee Jinki, do you like Christmas?”

Jinki blinks at the unexpected question before he shrugs and nods.

“I guess?”

It sounds like a question because Jinki isn’t really sure what this is all about.

“Good. To become a Christmas Angel, sign here.”

Minho turns the paper towards Jinki, puts a pen on the line where Jinki has to sign and Jinki just stares at him in confusion. Minho seems to get slightly agitated and he taps the paper with the pen.

“What if I don’t want to become a Christmas Angel?” Jinki asks and Minho sighs out loud. He either deals with a lot of dead people or Jinki is just stubborn and problematic.

“Then you go downstairs. The stairs are over there,” he says and points to a door that looks normal. It has a small green exit sign above it; Jinki isn’t entirely sure what the purpose of it is.

“Downstairs?” he asks and Minho nods.

“Yes. Downstairs. What do you people call it?” He stops for a couple of seconds before he lets his fingers through his black hair. “Human terms, Minho, human terms.”

Jinki is about to interrupt him when Minho finally finds the word he’s looking for.

“Hell!” he shouts into the silent room and Jinki takes a step back at the sound. “You’ll go to hell if you don’t become a Christmas Angel.”

Jinki’s eyes widen at the information.

“What? But why?”

“Protocol,” Minho just says. Jinki starts to get annoyed with the dismissive response he’s getting.

“What even are you?”

Minho just rolls his eyes, points at a small sign on the desk that Jinki had missed when he entered the room. _Choi Minho, Secretary_ it says.

“Secretary?” Jinki asks and Minho leans back in his chair.

“Listen, Lee Jinki. I have a line of people waiting outside to be assigned whichever way they need to go, you just cut the line because of your messy death. It’s really not a good thing. Seeing Taemin agitated is annoying and I’m busy. So if you’ll stop asking questions and make a decision I would be thrilled; do you want to be a Christmas Angel or do you want to go downsta-to hell?”

Jinki thinks death would have been better if it had been black nothingness. At least there would have been fewer annoyed whatever Minho and Taemin are to deal with. He grabs the pen, though, and signs the paper Minho has put in front of him to become a Christmas Angel. It can’t be any worse than hell.

 

✕✕✕

 

Jinki stares at what looks like a busy office. There are cubicles filled with people, few walking down the hallways with papers in hand. The smell of coffee spreads throughout the room and Jinki almost closes his eyes to take in the normalcy of it all when he’s interrupted by someone else. The man that stands in front of him is small. He’s thin, his height is small for a man, his features soft yet sharp and his eyes all-knowing. His hair is black, cut short yet not too short and his bangs fall into his eyes softly. It’s actually quite unnerving to stand in front of him. The thing that makes him obviously not human, however, is the large white feathery wings on his back. They’re not spread out, but even when folded, they reach the floor.

“Lee Jinki?” the man asks, his voice soft and melodic. Jinki nods. “Follow me!”

He leads them to an open office, light and soft with white furniture and white walls. If it wasn’t for all the green plants, the room would have looked mostly like a hospital room. The angel sits down in a chair, wings folding behind him in some illogical way Jinki doesn’t have the mental capacity to figure out right now.

“My name is Jonghyun,” the man says enthusiastically. “I’m the head angel of this department and I’m here to tell you about the basics of being a Christmas Angel.”

“Can you tell me where I am?” Jinki asks, not really hoping for an answer but still needing it to make sense of everything.

“The Head Quarter,” Jonghyun answers easily. “So, now that you’re an angel we’ll have to go through basics. We spread joy only, you will spread Christmas joy. We don’t guard people unless we’re guardian angels, which you are not, so you don’t have to worry about humans getting hurt. Just make them happy. You’ll get a new assignment every Christmas and…”

“Jonghyun,” Jinki interrupts, hoping it’s okay to call Jonghyun by his name. “I have no idea what all this means.”

Jonghyun squints at him.

“You are aware that you’re dead, right?”

Jinki nods.

“Yes,” he says.

“Good!” Jonghyun is back to being enthusiastic. “And you signed the contract to become a Christmas Angel?”

Jinki nods again.

“Excellent. Now, listen to me so I can tell you what your job entails. Your job is to make unhappy humans happy during Christmas time. They usually hate Christmas for one reason or another, I don’t know the details of every case but that’s not important. You don’t have to worry about humans getting hurt, it’s not your job to ensure their safety, just their happiness. Are we clear?”

There’s silence between them until Jinki bites his lower lip and nods again.

“Yes.”

“Brilliant! Rules of being an angel include not telling any human you’re an angel; they will most likely deem you insane and lock you up and it’s such a mess and a lot of paperwork, so don’t do that. Promise me?”

“Okay,” Jinki says, not really understanding what Jonghyun is saying.

“Also, falling in love with humans is not recommended. You should not do a job that belongs to someone else, we all have our duties and we don’t want to mess that up. Don’t break the human law because that requires a lot of paperwork as well. Going against your own duties will give you a warning, two warnings and you’re out, going downstairs.”

“Going against … What does that even mean?” Jinki asks, confused.

“Don’t make your case unhappy during Christmas when your job is to make them happy. Simple.”

Jinki soaks all the information up. This is all too much to deal with when you have just died.

“So what am I going to do when it isn’t Christmas?” he asks, when he realizes Jonghyun has been clear about his job being on Christmas only. Jonghyun looks at him with a sigh.

“Paperwork. I’ll help you out when we get to that, you’re going to be busy during December. Do you have any more questions?”

Jonghyun stands from his seat, his wings looking as soft as before with no ruffled feathers after sitting, and he looks towards Jinki with a smile on his face. Jinki blinks a little.

“If … If I’m an angel, shouldn’t I have wings too?”

Jonghyun bursts into laughter at that and opens the door behind him.

“That’s cute, you’re cute. Irene, don’t…!”

Jonghyun whips around and hurries out the door to find whoever Irene is and leaves Jinki alone in the office. This is ridiculous. Jinki should be traumatized from dying but nobody seems to care that he has just died. He has a million questions still but when he has the opportunity to ask them he goes blank. There’s so much new information and his head feels like it’s spinning. He hides his face in his hands as he sighs a little.

Jinki is no longer sure dying is the best decision he has ever made. So far the people he has met has been so unhelpful. He bets there is no religion that describes death as an office run by nut-jobs and angels.

Jinki is slowly getting annoyed with his situation and the contract to become a Christmas Angel and if he’s honest, then maybe downstairs wouldn’t be as bad as humans have made hell out to be. He hears a small giggle from the doorway and when he looks up he gets eye contact with a girl. Her long hair looks like silk and her smile is soft.

“You’re new here?” she asks and Jinki nods again. “I’m Luna.”

“Jinki, Lee Jinki,” he introduces and Luna nods with a smile and steps inside the room.

“Do you want me to show you around? Jonghyun always forgets the most important things, but he’s so busy. He’s a nice guy, though. Everybody here is.”

Jinki stands from his seat and walks towards her as he bites his lower lip. He’s sure they’re all busy but he isn’t entirely sure he believes they’re nice. So far he has only met busy people who didn’t have time to talk to him. His head is still chaotic, but at least Luna doesn’t seem like she’s rushing. She’s showing him around the Head Quarter while she tells him what everything is.

“We manage everything from here, so we’re a lot of people together in the Head Quarter. Down there is Monitoring, only a few select gets to do monitoring because it requires a lot of training. It’s mostly people with medical knowledge as well because they need the knowledge of anatomy.”

Jinki stops in his tracks and blinks confused.

“Why do they need anatomy knowledge?” he asks and Luna stops a few steps in front of him and turns so she can look at him.

“Because all the messy deaths, the mutilated bodies, go to Monitoring as well as they’re the only guys who can assemble the bodies again. Some of the Monitors, like Ravi, likes it while others, like Taemin, thinks it’s a burden.”

Jinki shivers at the mention of Taemin and Luna laughs.

“I assume you’ve met Taemin.”

“But what if the bodies are assembled wrong?” Jinki asks after a minute of silence as they start walking through the hallways again.

“Then the soul leaves their body and that’s it.”

Luna lifts a hand to greet a man that passes them before she turns back to Jinki.

“That’s why we have people like Chanyeol, he’s a Collector. Collectors guide the souls to their last resting spot in our archive.”

“So, no reincarnation?” Jinki asks and Luna shakes her head.

“No, every soul is unique. Reincarnation is something humans created. There are Creators like Irene and Taeyong that create souls to every new human born. There are a lot of Creators, though, it’s one of the most common professions. Then we have all kinds of angels, seasonal angels, holiday angels like you, guardian angels and so on. Everybody does a different job and it’s important that one never does more than their own job, otherwise it’ll create problems.”

Jinki nods a little as they continue through the Head Quarter and stops in front of a large screen.

“This is the case board,” Luna says and presses her finger to the screen so it lights up with documents. She lets her fingers run through multiple of files until she finds something labelled Christmas and zooms in. “This is where we find our cases. Every human has a file and we go through those labelled with our profession. For you, that would be Christmas. Find the ones labelled Christmas and choose one. When you have chosen put your finger in the box on the bottom; it’ll put your digital signature on it and it’ll be filed as your case.”

She reads over the case she has found and then turns to Jinki.

“Maybe you should spend some time looking when I’m done showing you around. This doesn’t seem like an easy case for a newcomer, so choose something a little easier.”

Jinki doesn’t get the chance to read the case before Luna has swiped it away and pulled him away from the screen. Another girl walks up, her wings a dark brown, looks through case files and then chooses one.

For the first time, Jinki realizes that this is a business. This is how everything works. There are so many people working hard, even in death, to assure the happiness of those still living. Luna grabs his shoulder and pulls him with her and it brings him out of his reverie.

“What about downstairs? Is that really like hell?” Jinki asks and Luna lets go of him and frowns a little.

“Hell?” she asks a little confused before she pinches the skin between her eyebrows. “Oh! Yeah, it’s been a while since I was human. No, downstairs is nothing like what humans think Hell is. To pay to go to heaven was such a scam.” She laughs a little. “I can’t believe my parents paid to make sure I went to Heaven and see where I am now.”

She smiles softly and Jinki takes himself in reciprocating the smile. While the Head Quarter is confusing and there are many things he still has to learn, maybe it’s not that bad.

 

✕✕✕

 

A group of people laugh when Luna drags Jinki into the room. They’re drinking a clear liquid and a puzzle is spread out in front of them, only half finished.

“Hey guys,” Luna says and sits down in a chair, gesturing towards the one beside her and Jinki sits down. “This is Jinki, he’s a new Christmas Angel.”

The group of people greet him with smiles and waves.

“Hey Jinki, I’m Yunho, I’m also a Christmas Angel,” a man that looks like he’s in his 30’s says and sends him a smile. A woman to Yunho’s left nudges his side with an elbow.

“We’re all Christmas Angels, well except Luna,” she says. “I’m Sooyoung. That is Ryeowook, Kyungsoo, Yuta and Krystal.”

Jinki doesn’t get to say anything before Krystal has leant over the puzzle.

“How did you die?” she asks and Yuta gasps scandalized. Jinki looks from one to another but everybody, maybe with the exception of Yuta, seems genuinely curious.

“Suicide,” he says in a small whisper. Krystal withdraws back to her seat with a small smile on her lips. Yunho clears his throat to relieve the tense atmosphere that has suddenly surrounded them at Jinki’s revelation.

“Ryeowook killed himself as well, it’s okay. I died from an aorta dissection, Sooyoung was a cardiac arrest.”

Sooyoung nods a little to confirm that Yunho is correct. Ryeowook nods with a smile on his lips before he shrugs a little.

“It was an accidental overdose, but I guess it still counts as suicide.”

Jinki sends him a small smile. They don’t have to know he jumped in front of a train, not really. Yuta sighs as he places a piece in the puzzle and looks up.

“I was a traffic accident but it’s been fairly recent.”

Kyungsoo pats his back a little before he looks at Jinki.

“Cholera killed me,” he says and Krystal sighs.

“AIDS took me. Don’t have sex with men with HIV,” she says and Jinki widens his eyes in surprise.

“How old are you guys?”

Yunho chuckles and shares a look with Ryeowook before he turns back to Jinki.

“I died in 1961 when I was 35,” he says and Ryeowook takes over.

“I was 29 in 1943 when I took an overdose of methadone,” he says and shrugs a little. Yuta sighs again and leans back in his chair.

“I’m 21 and I was killed in 2002.”

Krystal rubs his shoulder comfortingly and looks at Jinki.

“24 years old when I died in 1932 after being infected with HIV,” she says. Kyungsoo sends Jinki a small smile.

“I was 23 when I got infected with cholera in 1834.”

Jinki gapes at him.

“No way.”

His reaction has them all laughing.

“Oh, don’t be so surprised, I was 30 when I had a cardiac arrest in 1895,” Sooyoung says. Jinki has a hard time believing some of the people he sits beside are 100 years old, yet here he is, with people who claim to have died in the 19th century.

They soon let him join their small group and the conversation is steered from death to the puzzle they’re creating. Yunho tells Jinki all about the Head Quarter while Ryeowook and Kyungsoo make it their job to inform Jinki of his duties as a Christmas Angel. Luna has left them alone but Jinki hasn’t even realized she has left, until Krystal leans over and asks if he knows what Luna truly is. Her knowing smirk as she chooses to withhold the information tells Jinki Luna might have been more influential than she introduced herself as.

Sooyoung loves talking about the new world, as she calls it, and she’s thrilled that Jinki can update her on what has happened since Yuta died, because – as she says, she only sees the human world in December and it’s hard to follow all the development that happens in that short span of time. Jinki is still a little confused about death, but with the group of 6 to help him with his questions, he’s sure he can do this right.

 

✕✕✕

 

Jinki learns throughout the next couple of days that Jonghyun is way older than he had first thought. He also learns that angels earn their wings based on the years they have served which is why Jonghyun’s are white and so large whereas Taeyeon’s are brown and shorter. He meets Ravi and Kai and learns that Taemin is a genuinely nice guy when he isn’t assembling bodies. He is told that Minho is stressed and that questions really aren’t his specialty but when he’s not on duty in the Office, he’s fun and relaxed. Jinki thinks they should have more than two secretaries to the amount of dead people that passes through the Office and is guided to whichever floor they need to be.

He learns that the Head Quarter is located on the second floor but that the elevators don’t have a button to second floor. He learns that downstairs is paperwork and bad working conditions with little communication to others, but not fiery pits of hell with demons poking your naked body with tri-forks. Chanyeol takes him to the Archive where thousands upon thousands of used souls rest.

Jinki learns that most deceased children become imaginary friends with the exception of newborns and stillbirths that automatically are split from their bodies and put to rest in the Archive. He also learns that one can, any time, be put to rest for all eternity and give up work, but that most of those working in HQ actually enjoys it.

When he on November 30 chooses his case, a man at the age of 25 that has lost his father the year prior and therefore doesn’t look forward to Christmas, Jinki is certain that he can prove his worth as a Christmas Angel. How hard can it be to spread a little happiness on an already happy holiday?

 


	2. First Christmas

Very difficult and hard. When Jinki returns to the human world, he gets a weird sense of guilt. Despite the recommendation of not choosing his country of origin, Jinki’s case is South Korean and he’s now in Daegu. The fear of meeting people Jinki knew when he was still alive has him petrified when he steps onto the streets and even though Jinki’s family isn’t from Daegu, he’s supposed to be in Korea the next 25 days while he makes Christmas happier for his case whose father died last year. And when Jinki finally spots him on December 2nd he realizes that he can’t just go up to the other boy and say “hey, my name is Jinki, I’m here to make your Christmas better”.

It takes another 4 days and a call to Yunho to ask for advice before he finally manages to arrange a random meeting, but Kibum is not in the mood for any human (or non-human) interaction when they meet in a café. Kibum is sipping on his coffee when Jinki walks up to his table and casually asks if he can sit at the same table. Kibum barely spares Jinki a glance as he gets up and vacates his seat, only to let the table empty and the doorbell sing his departure. Jinki sighs and buries his head in the desk, facing the wood.

First attempt – failed.

But there must be a way to get contact with Kibum. If not, he’ll get his first warning for not doing his job correctly and that would be really bad. Especially bad. Jinki isn’t sure he wants to face Jonghyun to get a warning; the head angel can, in spite of his petite stature, actually be quite intimidating. So Jinki continues figuring out how to meet Kibum, get close enough to him and make Christmas just a little better.

 

✕✕✕

 

Jinki stands in front of the theatre in Daegu, waiting for Kibum. Kibum doesn’t know that Jinki is waiting for him, though. It’s just that Jinki has an inkling that today is a day Kibum is going to watch a movie. Maybe it has to do with the fact that Jinki has yet to watch Wonder Woman and it’s showing, but he’s hoping that Kibum is going to be there as well, if only so Jinki can observe him. He knows he needs to establish a way to actually talk to Kibum but he’ll get there eventually.

Kibum does arrive but he doesn’t recognize Jinki and Jinki follows him closely as Kibum buys a little candy, enters the hall and sits down in his seat. Jinki places himself conveniently next to Kibum and sends him a small smile. Kibum ignores him completely so Jinki decides small talk might be in his favour.

“Hey,” Jinki says and Kibum looks at him quickly before he turns back to the blank screen. “Excited?” Jinki asks and Kibum sighs but doesn’t answer. Jinki frowns a little and looks towards the screen for a second until it lights up with a game.

“Oh hey, you wanna join?” Jinki asks and looks for his smartphone as players start to pop up on the large screen.

“Don’t have the app,” Kibum murmurs and Jinki deflates. When the movie begins, there’s no room for small talk and Jinki can’t even enjoy the movie because he keeps thinking he’s doing something wrong, that something needs to be different.

Second attempt – failed.

 

✕✕✕

 

It’s December 8 when Jinki has a full conversation with Kibum. It’s not really positive in any way, but Jinki reasons it’s a beginning and that maybe they can work out everything else later on.

“Why are you following me?” Kibum asks with a bite, hand on his hip, eyebrows raised and anger shining in his eyes.

“I wasn’t,” Jinki says and raises his hands in surrender.

“Of course you are, I’m not an idiot. What do you want from me?”

Kibum is stomping angrily like a child and Jinki finds it a little endearing and he would have probably laughed had he not almost been killed again by Kibum’s gaze.

“I just want your friendship!”

Jinki’s answer surprises Kibum out of his anger and he lets out a sigh as he looks towards the floor in surrender, his hand losing its grip on his hip.

“I don’t want to be your friend,” he says. Jinki dares to take a step closer and slowly lets his hands down by his sides, hoping not to surprise the other man.

“Why not?” Jinki asks, voice calm and soft. Kibum scoffs a little when he looks up, early surprise now again masked with annoyance and anger.

“I don’t want to be your friend, so will you stop following me?” Kibum asks and Jinki shakes his head, surprising himself as well.

“Come on, I’m not that horrible. Is a new friend really that bad?”

Kibum scrutinizes Jinki before he sighs.

“Yes, it’s that bad. Just leave me alone, ok?”

Jinki refuses to let the other boy leave, however. Not when they’re finally talking if arguing on whether or not Jinki is a stalker and will leave Kibum alone counts as talking.

“I just moved to Daegu a few days ago, can’t you help me out and show me around at least? You might find that I’m really not that bad.”

Kibum steps closer and folds his arms over his chest as he glares down at Jinki. Jinki just sends him a kind smile and stands tall in front of the taller man.

“Will you stop following me if I show you around?” he asks and Jinki nods.

“Sure.”

Kibum deflates, moves his arms and buries his hands in his pockets.

“Fine. Meet me here tomorrow at 9 AM and I’ll show you around.”

Then he leaves and Jinki is standing on the street with a wide smile on his face. An elderly lady looks at him with disgust and a few children snicker when they pass him, but Jinki’s good mood can’t be ruined that easily. He’s going to become Kibum’s source of happiness throughout December so he can be happy during Christmas.

 

✕✕✕

 

The sky is cloudy and dark the next morning, fog covering the roads and the temperature has dipped below zero. Jinki finds Kibum in front of a coffee shop, the other dressed in a trenchcoat, face partly hidden under a large grey knitted scarf. He’s wearing sunglasses but Jinki doesn’t ask for their purpose. Instead he sends Kibum a wide smile. Kibum tells Jinki he’ll buy a cup of coffee first and Jinki follows him into the coffee shop. He wonders how Kibum will be able to drink his coffee with his mouth covered by the large scarf but he doesn’t have to wonder when Kibum gets his coffee and pushes his scarf down enough so he can take a sip.

They walk onto the streets again, slowly strolling through the mass of people commuting to and from work still. There are children playing outside on a playground next to the elementary school and a group of high schoolers have snuck away to get a cigarette in their break. Kibum ignores it all while he continues to silently show Jinki around the city.

Jinki wants to talk to the other man, but he doesn’t really know what to say. He knows he has promised Kibum to leave him alone but that’s not really going to happen, so it’d be better if he managed to get a conversation actually flowing. It’s just so hard to talk to Kibum. Making people happy is a lot harder than he thought it would be.

When Kibum stops in front of the same coffee shop, they started at, Jinki realizes that Kibum deems the tour over and that they’re supposed to part now. He doesn’t want to, however. That would be counterproductive to his purpose.

“Want to have a cup of coffee with me?” Jinki asks and Kibum sighs for the first time today.

“Not really,” he says and sniffles a little in the cold. Jinki sends him a kind smile and tries convincing him to get the cup of coffee. In the end, after countless of threats, Kibum gives in and promises that he can spend one more hour on Jinki, but only one more hour, after that they’ll stop seeing each other.

As they drink their coffee, Jinki manages to get Kibum to open up. He’s 25 and he just got his master in biology. He doesn’t really know what he’s going to work with, not yet, but he’s not busy. He doesn’t have a girlfriend and he doesn’t like tea. Jinki soaks up all the information and remembers every little thing about the other man, like how his nose gets red when they enter the coffee shop after the cold or how he fumbles with the napkin to keep his hands occupied in spite of his gaze being confident.

Jinki notices how Kibum stumbles over his words when Jinki asks him an unexpected question and he sees the way Kibum’s shoulder relax a little in his company. The first response when they met is a mask, Jinki realizes, when Kibum gets up from his chair and announces that he has now spent 2 hours on Jinki instead of only one and that he must get home. Jinki reaches out towards him, grabs his wrist and with a soft smile asks if they can see each other again. Kibum sends him a smile, it’s small and barely there but Jinki sees and widens his eyes slightly in surprise.

“Maybe,” Kibum says before he twists out of Jinki’s grip and leaves the coffee shop.

 

✕✕✕

 

Jinki walks the streets of Daegu on December 10 when he hears a voice call out to him. When he turns around, he widens his eyes in surprise as he finds Kibum behind him.

“What?” he asks and Kibum waves his hand in front of his face to wave Jinki’s question away.

“Don’t ask. I just thought you could accompany me to the hospital since you’re walking out here anyway,” Kibum says and walks up to Jinki. Jinki just nods dumbfounded. The two men make their way towards the hospital, Kibum talking about a new fashion magazine that has just been published and how he needs to buy it as soon as possible.

As soon as they enter the hospital lobby, Kibum stops and turns on his heels so he’s facing Jinki. Jinki sends him a small smile, but Kibum’s lips thin like he just realizes what he has done and he slowly lets the mask fall over his features again.

“Thank you for joining me, I can take it from here.”

Jinki wants to reach out when Kibum turns around and walks towards the reception but he has a feeling that it would be wrong to force Kibum to say why they’re in the hospital. He watches as Kibum disappears towards the elevators and as the doors close behind him, Jinki turns around only to bump into Jonghyun. He lets out a scream, high-pitched and unmanly, and Jonghyun chuckles.

“Hello,” he says and Jinki bows his head in greeting and embarrassment when an elderly lady looks at them disapprovingly.

“What are you doing here?” Jinki asks as he starts walking out of the hospital. Jonghyun follows him with his hands buried in his pockets.

“Making sure you don’t want to jump in front of train again,” Jonghyun answers with a smile and Jinki groans a little.

They sit on a bench in front of the hospital when Jinki realizes Jonghyun’s wings are gone. Jonghyun seems to read his mind as he crosses his legs and leans back against the backrest.

“Nobody would believe their eyes if they saw my wings so I hide them when I’m on Earth,” he says as an answer to Jinki’s silent question and Jinki widens his eyes in amazement.

“You can do that?” he asks and Jonghyun laughs while he shakes his head.

“Don’t be ridiculous. Now tell me about your case, you only have 15 days left and it’s not exactly going smoothly.”

Jinki cringes when he realizes that Jonghyun is right. Then he sighs and looks towards the ground as his shoes snuff the pavement.

“It’s difficult,” he admits and Jonghyun pats his shoulder comfortingly.

“What part is difficult,” he asks and Jinki takes a deep breath before he straightens his back.

“Getting close to him. He doesn’t let me ask what’s wrong or listen. It’s like being strangers.”

Jonghyun chuckles a little.

“You are strangers, Jinki. You’re not his best friend and nobody asked that of you,” Jonghyun says and Jinki almost snaps his neck when he turns to look at the older angel.

“But you said,” he says but Jonghyun interrupts him.

“I said your job is to make him happy. It’s not to be his best friend or his shoulder to cry on. You’re here to give him a better Christmas.”

Jinki lets the words sink in for a moment, but they don’t make any sense to him. How can he give Kibum a better Christmas if he’s not going to talk to the other man? Jonghyun can sense his confusion and pats Jinki’s knee twice before he gets up from the bench.

“You’re an angel, Jinki. Don’t limit your mind.”

Jinki blinks as he watches Jonghyun start walking away and when he finally realizes that Jonghyun is leaving him, he stumbles as he gets up and runs towards the smaller man. Jonghyun doesn’t stop, however, not even when Jinki calls after him. He doesn’t understand what Jonghyun really meant and it feels like he has just gotten a reprimanding without being told off.

When he doesn’t catch up with Jonghyun, however, he slows down to a stop in the middle of the street and starts to think. He hasn’t gotten a warning, not really. Jonghyun would have told him if that had been the case. The only thing he’s been given is a reminder of his purpose, to make Kibum’s Christmas happy and an acknowledgement of the fact that they are strangers, not best friends. There has got to be other ways to make Kibum’s Christmas happy.

 

✕✕✕

 

Jinki spends the next two days thinking about how to make Kibum’s Christmas better without becoming his best friend in the span of 13 days but he doesn’t figure it out until he walks passed the elementary school and overhears two children discuss their secret Santa’s. That’s when he realizes what he has to do, even if it’s small things that won’t make a huge difference to Kibum’s life.

So Jinki joins the church choir on the Christmas market on a day where he spots Kibum shopping for homemade decorations and mulled wine and sings along to Christmas carols he knows all too well.

When Kibum stops in front of the choir, Jinki sends him a soft smile before he continues the song, his voice carrying through the wind and Kibum snorts a little with a smile on his lips before he hurries along.

During the next 3 days Jinki learns from Taeyeon that Kibum’s grandmother is sick and hospitalized so he sends Christmas decorations to her hospital room to make sure the Christmas spirit reaches them. He even leaves paper and scissors so they can create hearts of their own.

Jinki learns Kibum’s daily schedule and makes sure to either join a choir or set up a chair so he can sing Christmas carols when Kibum passes. The soft smile on Kibum’s lips when he sees Jinki sing is enough to make Jinki’s heart swell with pride. Jinki even writes secret Christmas letters and puts them in Kibum’s mail box to make sure he has a smile on his lips when he leaves the house as well.

And when snow falls on December 15 Jinki stays up all night to build a snowman in front of Kibum’s window that greets him the next morning.

 

✕✕✕

 

December passes quickly when Jinki is busy putting a smile on Kibum’s lips without bothering the other man with a conversation he doesn’t want to have so it surprises him when Kibum stops in front of his chair as he sings Christmas carols and stays there until Jinki slows to a stop. The two men are staring at each other and the street light blinks a little before it returns to light its stable orange light onto the street.

“Thank you,” Kibum says in earnest and Jinki sends him a small smile as he buries his hands in his jacket sleeves.

“For?” he asks and Kibum snorts and shakes his head slightly.

“For everything. Merry Christmas.”

Kibum turns away from Jinki with a smile on his lips and Jinki smiles as well.

“Merry Christmas Kibum,” he says towards the other’s retreating back. He doesn’t notice Kibum stopping for a short moment before he continues on.

Jinki is packing up his small bag when he looks towards the billboard ads and notices that today is December 24. It’s almost Christmas Day and in two days he will leave Kibum and the human world behind. It hurts a little to know that he won’t see Kibum laugh at him or send him a small smile in the midst of crisis and it hurts to know that Kibum will have to face the rest of the year without Jinki there to watch over him.

He knows that isn’t his job, that Winter Angels will take over and make sure the seasonal depressed people will have at least a little light and he knows that Guardian Angels will butt in when they’re needed in times of physical injury, but Jinki doesn’t really want to hand over Kibum to any of them. He wants to keep him for himself.

What makes Kibum so special, however, Jinki doesn’t know. Maybe it’s just the knowledge that he has spread joy for someone who didn’t have much to look forward to. He sighs a little and as he walks from his spot on the street, he passes the hospital.

He lets his eyes roam towards the 7th floor where he knows Kibum’s grandmother is and he sends them a small smile. He can only pray they’ll be together and stay happy in the last 28 hours before Christmas is over.

 

✕✕✕

 

December 25th is lonely. Jinki walks the streets in the morning, greets young couples holding hands as they hurry from one place to another. He watches parents hug their young kids as they are treated with sugary candy and he watches elderly people smile as they greet their grandchildren with pocket money and love. It hurts to be walking the streets again, knowing that approximately 200 kilometers away, his parents are celebrating Christmas in grief after they lost their only son. It aches to know that he’s back on Earth to help make Christmas bearable for other people yet having made his own parents so miserable in a time that is supposed to be happy.

The more he thinks about it, the harder it becomes for him to bear. He almost wishes he could just go back now. It’s unreasonable, he thinks, that he’s already working as an angel when it’s been a month. Jinki sits on a bench in the park, not feeling the cold as he lets a tear fall down his cheek. It’s difficult to be here and focus on himself entirely, on what he did just a month prior and on how right everything had felt back then. Jinki had been so sure and now that he’s back, watching life go on for countless of people, seeing their loved ones celebrate Christmas time, even in difficult times, makes him question his decision back then.

It’s not that there’s anything he can do to change it, he’s dead and he’ll forever be, but that doesn’t make it easier to deal with the knowledge. He takes a deep breath before he stands up and continues walking down the street.

As people file inside in the afternoon for a wonderful meal, Jinki starts to hum Christmas carols to himself. They’re a silent prayer to the people he knew when he was alive, a small hope that they know he’s better now than he was then. That death isn’t as horrible as first believed and that he isn’t suffering anymore.

He walks around for hours, humming to a city in silence and when he stumbles into Luna he isn’t really surprised. She sends him a small smile and walks beside him in silence until they end up in a large mall. Luna pulls his arm towards the elevators, mumbling something about looking at a piece of jewellery and Jinki follows her into the elevator, only to notice the 2nd floor sign is in cursive red compared to the bold black numbers of the other floors.

When the elevator doors open, he notices they’re back at HQ.

 

✕✕✕

 

“How was it?” Sooyoung asks and sits down in front of Jinki, puzzle on the table behind them still only half-finished. Jinki leans back against the wall and sips of the clear liquid he’s been handed.

“Strange,” he says and Sooyoung nods a little.

“Do you regret it?” she asks and Jinki looks up to get eye contact with her.

“Regret what?”

“Mmmh, you know?” she says and gestures vaguely around her. Jinki shakes his head, still not understanding what she means. Sooyoung sighs a little. “Dying,” she elaborates and Jinki blinks, taken aback.

“Uhm,” he says but Sooyoung disregards him when she continues.

“I regretted it when I first went back to Earth and experienced Christmas again. I was so angry at life. To be taken forcefully away from my husband and my child hurt so badly I can’t describe it.” She sends Jinki a small smile. “I was married, pregnant with our second child after having two miscarriages. Something went wrong during birth and both me and the child died.”

“Did you ever go … back?” Jinki asks after a moment of silence.

“Back?” Sooyoung asks in confusion and Jinki nods.

“To see your husband again.”

Sooyoung sighs a little before she nods.

“Yeah, it was the worst mistake of my life. Our son was growing up nicely but my husband had fallen in love with another woman. I don’t blame him, he was after all still alive while I was dead, but it still hurt. Ever since then I decided not to see my relatives again. They’ve all retired to the Archive by now, though, so it doesn’t hurt as bad anymore. I’m just glad none of them ever became angels.”

She laughs and tries to lighten the mood, but Jinki is stuck on her words.

“Are there people who work with their spouses?” he asks after a few seconds and Sooyoung nods a little.

“Minseok’s wife works downstairs so they meet quite often. It’s admirable, really. They’ve been dead since 1605 and they still stick together. She doesn’t want to retire without him and he likes his job too much to retire.”

Sooyoung smiles fondly at the thought before she shakes her head a little.

“But that’s not fun, let’s talk about something else! Such as your first case, tell me all about it,” she continues and Jinki tries to relay his December to the older woman. Jinki soon notices the smile on his lips as he tells her about Kibum and his snarky mask and he realizes that he wouldn’t have been without it.

 

✕✕✕

 

Jonghyun dumps a large stack of papers on Jinki’s desk in the Holiday Angel department of HQ and Jinki looks up from where he’s trimming his nails. Jonghyun sends him a large smile, soft white wings fluttering in non-existent wind. Jinki finds them fascinating. Jonghyun with his wings is the text-book definition of an angel. If Jinki didn’t know better, he would have assumed all drawings of angels on Earth were created after looking at Jonghyun’s soft wings. Jonghyun doesn’t notice Jinki’s fascination with his wings as he leans against the desk and flicks Jinki’s forehead to gain his attention again.

“Here,” Jonghyun says and Jinki blinks dazed. “Let’s start the paperwork!”

“The funniest thing in HQ,” Krystal says sarcastically from the desk besides Jinki’s and Jonghyun sends her a stern look before he turns back to Jinki.

“Like I said, let’s do the paperwork. I’ll help you.”

Jinki nods and reaches out towards the first paper in the stack. The text is written in a tiny font he can barely read and there’s so many words Jinki doesn’t know where to even begin. The more he reads, however, he realizes that it’s a transcript of everything that has happened in December in Daegu, from events he was a part of to events he didn’t even know had happened.

Jonghyun tells him to read through everything, to make sure every detail Jinki is aware of is correctly transcribed and that he adds everything he remembers that isn’t mentioned. He’s then told to sign the paper before he moves onto the next which is an account of Kibum’s entire life so that Jinki can account that he didn’t do any other job but his own. It’s going to take forever and it’s only half the stack of papers.

He groans as Jonghyun continues on with the latter half that is – apparently – preparing for next year’s Christmas. Jinki already hates paperwork.

 

✕✕✕

 

Krystal leans over her desk 30 minutes later and pokes Jinki’s shoulder with a pink pen. Jinki doesn’t react so she continues her poking.

“Psst,” she stage-whispers when she pokes him for the 5th time without getting any reaction. “Jinki,” she tries again. First when she repeats his name for the third time does he look up with a slightly hazy gaze. “We’re having a get-together in Yunho’s apartment on the 19th floor later, just the 7 of us. You have to come.”

Jinki blinks a little.

“A get-together?” he asks and Krystal nods excited.

“Yes! To celebrate an enjoyable Christmas. Paperwork can wait, really. Do you want me to come pick you up?” she asks and Jinki nods before he turns back to the stack of papers on his desk, the first paper he’s only read one fourth of and the rest that are waiting for him before he faceplants into his desk with a groan. Krystal starts laughing.

 

✕✕✕

 

Yunho’s apartment is spacious and looks almost luxurious if not for the clutter that lie in every corner. Yunho doesn’t seem very embarrassed by his mess although he apologizes for not having cleaned. None of the other 6 Christmas Angels are bothered by it either, though, so Jinki assumes this is very normal.

They’re all drinking glasses of clear bubbly liquid and Ryeowook laughs heartily at a joke when they enter the kitchen. Jinki notices the large bowl of popcorn in the middle of the table and he raises an eyebrow in confusion. Sooyoung lights up in a smile and pats the seat beside her and Krystal hurries towards Kyungsoo so she can rely her December to him. Yunho puts his hand on Jinki’s shoulder and stirs him towards the table and as he sits down between Sooyoung and Yuta he finds himself relaxing.

Yuta has been making a middle-aged American woman’s Christmas better after she fell ill with cancer and Sooyoung has been playing with a Swedish boy who lost his grandmother in the beginning of December. Jinki likes listening to everybody tell about their own December’s. It makes it somehow easier to get ideas for next year, even though there’s a long time to next year.

He also learns that just about everybody has had problems of their own when they started. Yunho relays a story about being in Africa in 1984 to help a young mother and Kyungsoo groans when he tells Jinki about the first time he had Southern Hemisphere Christmas, a time where he had to overcome Christmas in 27 degrees Celsius.

The more they talk, the more Jinki believes that he did the right thing when he signed to become a Christmas Angel. There are plenty of things on his mind when he leaves the group alone to retreat to his own chambers on the 38th floor, though.

As nice as the get-together has been, the relative silence of the elevators has his mind springing back to life, replaying Christmases throughout his life. Jinki imagines the first time he remembers Christmas, getting a huge toy-train and how the smile had spread over his lips. He had played with that train until he was 15. He remembers the first time he played in the snow with his father, creating snow-angels and igloos, and when they returned inside his mother had prepared hot chocolate and warm buns. He remembers a Christmas where is hadn’t snowed, when he had ridden his new bike to Joon’s house and played with him. He remembers watching Lady and the Tramp on the television with his grandmother because it was her favorite movie a couple of months before she died.

Jinki remembers the Christmas he ended up falling on the icy pavement and fracturing his ankle, resulting in a lousy Christmas feast in the hospital after his surgery. He remembers a house full of relatives and a house with only the three of them. He remembers Christmas shopping for gifts for his mother, wrecking his mind to find the most appropriate gift for her only to come up emptyhanded. He remembers the last few Christmases before he took his own life, filled with dread and tears waiting to spill, a loneliness spreading every time December drew near. He remembers Christmas with his first girlfriend and the way she had clung to him like he had been the only thing she had.

Jinki bites his lower lip so he doesn’t start crying at the memories and regret now that he’ll never be able to have it all again. Memories are just that and while they’re sweet to him, they’ll leave an everlasting bitterness to everybody else involved, knowing that he isn’t walking the Earth anymore. Jinki sobs to himself when he enters his room and sinks down behind the door. The room is dark, no light shining in through the windows and Jinki feels so horribly alone. Maybe dying wasn’t ideal.

 

✕✕✕

 

Jinki looks up from his desk when he hears laughter and he looks towards the sound when he watches Taemin walk down the aisle with a man he recognizes as Kai. Taemin notices him with a smile and sends Kai off towards Monitoring to take the next shift before he stops in front of Jinki’s desk with a crinkling eye smile.

“Hey trainwreck,” he says and Jinki frowns.

“Will you ever stop calling me that?” he asks and Taemin shakes his head with a smirk.

“Of course not. Every other trainwreck that has come by has been archived. Who would I tease about their death if not you?”

Jinki sighs a little and puts his reading glasses down on the desk.

“You could tease literally everybody in HQ,” he says and Taemin pouts a little and leans against the desk.

“But where’s the fun in that?” Taemin asks and Jinki sighs heavily.

“You hated me from the moment I arrived, didn’t you?” Jinki asks and the question has Taemin almost falling over his own two feet even though he’s standing still.

“What?” he spits and Jinki just shrugs a little.

“I heard Kai died in the Harmelen train disaster, why isn’t he a trainwreck?” Jinki just says instead and Taemin eyes him suspiciously.

“Because he was an innocent victim,” Taemin scowls before he pushes from the desk. “I also didn’t hate you when you arrived. Just your choice of death.”

With those words Taemin leaves him looking slightly affronted and Jinki turns around in his seat to look after him. He still doesn’t know what exactly killed Taemin because the other man is quite private when it comes to those details, not like Minho who proudly announced he was killed in the Korean war while serving his country the first time he and Jinki spoke in their so-called free time.

Jinki blinks and returns to his papers, the urge to rip them all into confetti once again sneaking up on him.

 

✕✕✕

 

In May they play rock, paper, scissors to determine who takes a Southern Hemisphere case and Kyungsoo groans when he loses again and Yuta hugs him in a side hug when he also loses. Jinki is grateful it isn’t him because he’s still nowhere near finished with his paperwork and he’s started to become lazy. It happens to the best of them, Sooyoung says and Ryeowook supplies that even Jonghyun sometimes slack on paperwork.

It doesn’t make Jinki feel better, though. His want to do his best doesn’t sit well with losing his motivation to read tiny text and hundreds of pages. It’s not that Kibum’s life is necessarily uneventful, but reading about his first poop in the toilet is not very exciting and Jinki doesn’t really want to continue on. He doesn’t suspect it to get easier when he begins to recognize his own upbringing in the same culture as Kibum’s and it will undoubtedly lead to memories surfacing of his days alive.

He has learnt to wish that he was 100 years old like Kyungsoo or maybe even 600 years old like Jonghyun. Memories must have left by then, a speck of dust in the back of their minds to no longer remind them of what it is like to be human. Jinki lifts his feet to rest against his chest and he puts his chin on his knees as he stares into blank space. He doesn’t really see and he doesn’t really hear the hustle and bustle of HQ and the people around him but it’s all good the same because the less he wants to remember his lost humanity, the more he’s reminded of it.

These days, when the weather is warm on Earth and the sun shines a little brighter, Jinki is reminded of the last summer before he took the decision to end himself. It had been a good summer without a lot of rain and the warmth had been bearable. He had been with college friends for a week in a small cabin in the mountains. They’d been hiking and laughing and for the first time in 8 years Jinki’s depression hadn’t been hindering his life. The small glimmer of hope had only made the downfall worse, though.

Jinki sighs and rocks a little on his chair while he succumbs to his memories once again.

 

✕✕✕

 

Jinki can’t believe his eyes when he finishes his paperwork in November. It’s like magic. Jonghyun sends him a smile so blinding it’s obvious he isn’t human and Minho runs past him muttering something about irrelevant updates on the protocol. It takes another 5 minutes before he really starts to believe that he’s finished and it isn’t until Ryeowook pats his shoulder and asks if he wants to look for cases together that Jinki gets up from his chair and leaves the finished paperwork behind.

Looking through cases is still not easy and Jinki spends a lot more time reading the details of every different case than Ryeowook does, but he knows he’s still a beginner. Jinki has vowed to himself to find a non-Korean case this winter. He has taken the advice of going somewhere far away where he’ll be foreign to the culture so it doesn’t remind him too much of life. It had been Kyungsoo’s words that had made him take the final decision.

But as he slides through hundreds of cases, eyes scanning names and ages, his eyes land on a familiar case.

_Kim Kibum, 26 years old._

Jinki really shouldn’t care about it this time around, yet he feels stuck as he reads through the casefile. The mention of his father’s death two years prior is still listed as a reason but the passing of his grandmother is new. Ryeowook leans over his shoulder to read the case in curiosity and Jinki feels something surge through his stomach like a lightning bolt. It’s revolting, really, the way jealousy takes over his body at the thought of Ryeowook even considering Kibum’s case and he bites his tongue so he doesn’t snarl at Ryeowook.

Without even thinking he presses his thumb to the corner and chooses Kibum’s case for the second Christmas in a row. Ryeowook sends him a vague smile, questions in his eyes but Jinki leaves him behind in front of the board. Only when he’s back at his desk does he realize what he’s done and he sighs deeply.

 


	3. Second Christmas

“Hey Minho, can I ask you something?” Jinki asks. Minho looks through his files in the big cabinet behind his desk.

“No,” he answers. Jinki goes on anyway.

“What would you do if you were an angel and took the same case twice?”

The question has Minho looking up, glasses askew on his nose bridge.

“I’m not an angel and I don’t take cases,” he says and dives back into the files. He’s rummaging through papers and Jinki sighs a little.

“I know, but please think about it anyway. When you had just died, did you ever want to go back to Korea to see your family again?”

Minho raises an eyebrow as he turns around to look at Jinki once again.

“What’s that got to do with choosing the same case twice?” he asks and Jinki sinks into the chair in front of Minho’s desk in the Office.

“I … It’s …”

Minho sighs and fishes a file from the cabinet so he can dump it on his desk. He doesn’t make any motion to ask Jinki anything, as if he doesn’t care about Jinki’s confusion but Jinki stays put in his chair. He needs to voice it out loud, needs advice on whether or not he’s doing the right thing.

“Do you think I’ve chosen the same case twice because he’s South Korean and I miss the culture and the country?” he asks and Minho turns a page violently but he doesn’t lift his face from where he’s reading.

“If you miss living, you shouldn’t have jumped in front of a train,” he says cynically and Jinki groans a little.

“C’mon, not you too. I didn’t know I would end up here.”

This causes Minho to look up from his papers and eye Jinki with scrutiny.

“You can always retire if it’s too hard for you,” he says but Jinki doesn’t get to defend himself before Minho continues. “But yes, I did go back once and it was horrible. There’s a reason everybody here recommends not going to your country of origin the first couple of years after death. Seeing loved ones hurting and then seeing them move on, it’s evil. But we all do what we must and we learn how to cope. You will too. But if I was an angel and I chose the same case twice I would probably think I was masochistic and an idiot.”

The last part is said with jest and Jinki can’t stop himself from smiling. Maybe he is an idiot. That’s the best explanation really, but for some reason it makes it easier to deal with his stupid choices when he knows that he’s not the only one that used to miss his humanity. Minho hasn’t really said much in detail other than repeating what most others have told Jinki before but for some reason, it’s different when it comes from the reserved Secretary.

“Thank you,” Jinki says and gets up from the chair. Minho waves him away with a hand before he buries himself in the papers again just as it knocks on the door and an elderly black man enters.

“Shoo Jinki,” Minho says and Jinki leaves the room the same second Minho addresses the man with his name, the same way he had addressed Jinki when Jinki had arrived.

 

✕✕✕

 

When Jinki exits the elevator and steps onto the ground floor of Shinsegae in Daegu on December 1st he’s ready for his challenge. He knows who to look for and he has ideas already, most of them involving singing in choirs like last year. He hopes Kibum has forgotten about him so he doesn’t have to explain where he has been in the last 11 months. The mall is decorated in gold and red with plastic trees and ribbons everywhere. The speakers play Christmas carols and people are hurrying through stands while buying Christmas presents.

Jinki smiles wide as he soaks up the busy Christmas spirit. He nods a greeting to a saleswoman and continues on his way. As he steps onto the pavement he looks around him and notices the cold. The wind is freezing and he drags his coat a little around him so he blends in with everybody else. Jinki doesn’t really freeze, not anymore, but he likes to cuddle in the large coat Yunho handed him last year before he left the first time.

He walks down the streets until he finds Daegu Arboretum. Walking through the bare trees and cold plants leaves a satisfaction behind, he learns. It’s like he’s free here and it leaves space to think about how to approach Kibum this time around. Jinki doesn’t get a lot of time to think, however, before he unexpectedly spots the other man a few feet ahead. Kibum is dressed in the same trench coat as he was last year, the same scarf slung around his neck and hiding half his face but his hair has been dyed blonde and his shoulders hunch in a way that isn’t entirely forced by the cold. He looks withdrawn, isolated, as he stares at the big old oak without leaves and Jinki feels a pinch of sadness.

Last year he had done everything in his power to create a better Christmas for Kibum, but now, as he’s looking at the man he’s supposed to cheer up, the only thing he truly wants to do is wrap him in a blanket and hug him. That, however, is probably not going to happen because although it’s been a year, Jinki hasn’t forgotten Kibum’s unwillingness to talk to him.

Just as he finishes thinking the thought, Kibum turns and their eyes meet. Jinki sends him a small smile and Kibum squints at him. They stand in their spots for what feels like hours but is probably only a few seconds before Kibum starts walking towards Jinki. When he’s within hearing distance he lowers his scarf a little.

“Do we know each other?” he asks and Jinki panics slightly.

“Uh no, I don’t think so,” Jinki stutters and curses himself inwardly. Kibum frowns a little.

“You look familiar,” he says and Jinki bites his lower lip so he stops himself from blurting out something he shouldn’t. After a few moments, Kibum shrugs a little. “I’m sorry, I must have confused you with someone else.”

Jinki exhales relieved and sends Kibum a blinding smile.

“It’s okay! May I ask what you’re doing out here in this cold?” he asks and Kibum chuckles a little.

“I could ask you the same.”

Jinki shrugs a little.

“You’re right, I’m sorry.”

Kibum just shakes his head a little and sends Jinki a small smile before he turns towards the trees again and stares at them.

It’s so different from the last time they met. The Kibum in front of him is not as snappy as the one he met the year prior. He isn’t masking himself the same way with attitude but rather with isolation. Where 25-year-old Kibum was dying to be left alone, there is something in 26-year-old Kibum that begs for Jinki to stay. The conversation is as superficial as it was the year before, the information given of no importance whatsoever to their relationship if there is any relationship to begin with. It confuses Jinki a little, to stand in front of the same man when he acts so differently.

“The one you’re mistaking me for,” Jinki starts and gains Kibum’s attention once again. “Who was he?”

Kibum snorts a little before he buries into his scarf again.

“Someone I met last year during Christmas that made me laugh. I’ve forgotten most of his appearance, though, so that’s why I must have mistaken you two.”

Jinki feels his heart beat faster in his chest and he curses himself because this is not supposed to happen. It makes him happy, however, to know that he actually managed to make a difference in Kibum’s life. That he’s here again to do the same thing makes him determined to make this Christmas even better than the one he created for Kibum last year. It also ignites a hope that with the way Kibum acts, there’s a chance to get close, a chance to be friends and not just strangers to one another.

And sure, Jonghyun had said that it wasn’t his job to become the best friend and the shoulder to cry on but Jinki wants to be exactly that for Kibum, even with the knowledge that he’ll be gone on the evening between December 25th and December 26th.

Kibum shivers a little in his trenchcoat before he turns towards Jinki once again.

“Have a good evening,” he says and Jinki reaches a hand towards him.

“Nice to meet you, Kibum,” he says. He doesn’t notice his slip-up or the way Kibum’s eyebrow arches gently under his bangs but Kibum says nothing about it as he repeats the sentence and leaves Jinki alone to the bare trees in the arboretum.

 

✕✕✕

 

Jinki grabs his cup of coffee and takes a gulp, only to burn his tongue on the hot liquid and he yelps in distress when his tongue numbs.

“Dammit,” he says and bites his tongue twice before he returns to the papers in front of him. He’s at a small café, one he has taken a liking to because it’s small and cozy. It looks a little like a café he used to visit when he was alive and living in Seoul, the books along the end wall creating a homely atmosphere. The coffee tastes great as well which is a pleasant surprise and another reason to stay. He has listed down things he should be doing to create a better Christmas for Kibum, most of which include sending secret presents and letters, hoping for snow and building snowmen and lighting candles whenever he can. It’s simple things that will hopefully lift Kibum’s mood slightly and make him smile.

He doesn’t hear the bell and he doesn’t notice the person in the chair opposite of him until a piece of fabric interrupts his vision. A glove-clad hand draws towards his papers and Jinki panics again, reaching out to grab the papers before it’s too late.

“Is it important?” a voice he knows all too well asks and Jinki looks up to get eye contact with Kibum. Kibum has taken off his scarf and his trench coat is open in the warmth of the café and Jinki gapes stupidly. Never in a million years had he expected to be sitting in front of Kibum on Kibum’s initiative, but here they are. Kibum chuckles a little and sits back in his chair.

“Did I disturb you? I can leave again, it’s okay. I was just waiting for my coffee when I saw you here working and I don’t know what made me sit down.”

Jinki shakes his head frantically and messes up his papers as he forces them back into his messenger bag.

“Oh no, it’s fine!” Jinki says and sends Kibum a wide smile that only has Kibum raising an eyebrow.

“You did look busy, though.”

Jinki nods a little.

“I guess I am,” he contemplates and thinks that’s a pretty good way to say it. Kibum nods in understanding.

“Is it work-related?” he asks and Jinki considers this for a few seconds before he nods. That’s an even better way to put it. Kibum doesn’t have to know that it’s related to Christmas, really. That would be difficult to explain. But Jinki supposes that being a Christmas Angel is kind of his job so work-related should work as well.

Kibum leans back in his chair and Jinki takes another sip of coffee.

“I’m sorry if I’m intruding, I really am,” Kibum says again after a few seconds and Jinki almost chokes in his coffee in his haste to deny that Kibum is intruding. He doesn’t get to say a word, though, before the barista calls Kim Kibum and Kibum gets up from his chair. Kibum leaves him to get his coffee and doesn’t come back when he has picked it up and Jinki is left alone, staring at the door wondering what just happened and why Kibum came to him.

When he finds his papers again, he finds them crumpled and cracked in various places.

 

✕✕✕

 

It throws Jinki off his plan when he on December 4th joins the choir that sings on the market place and Kibum, instead of smiling and leaving after approximately 30 seconds, stops to listen and waits until they’re finished. As the choir splits into small groups of two and three to get lunch, Jinki stays behind and stares at Kibum.

“I’m sorry,” Kibum says with a small smile. Jinki shakes his head a little. “You remind me of the man I met last year. He sang Christmas carols in choirs as well.”

He talks with a fond voice, like Jinki had actually made an impact last year, had actually gotten close to him, but that’s impossible because Jinki knows for sure that they weren’t friends or anything of that sort. Kibum stares ahead for a couple of seconds before he blinks and shakes his head slightly.

“It sounds like you were close to him,” Jinki says and Kibum laughs out loud.

“Oh, no. I don’t think he’d remember me anyway,” Kibum says and Jinki silently begs to differ. Kibum laughs and invites him for lunch when Jinki’s stomach growls and the two of them walk down the streets. Talking with Kibum this year is different than it had been the year previously. There is something about the way he talks that has Jinki listening more intently than he used to.

Last year had been all about proving his worth as a Christmas Angel. This year, however, is more about listening to what is actually being said. He doesn’t notice time go by and he doesn’t realize that he slowly becomes attached to Kibum.

 

✕✕✕

 

They’re sitting in a small barbecue restaurant when Jinki spots Taeyeon outside the window. Her wings are hidden but it’s undoubtedly her and Jinki widens his eyes in surprise. This has Kibum turning around to look out the window as well but when he doesn’t find anything exciting he turns back to Jinki and laughs. Jinki can feel a shiver run down his spine when she turns to get eye contact with him and he can almost feel the judgment and the warning coming his way. He also knows that he hasn’t made Kibum unhappy so it will be unfair if Jonghyun does find him to warn him, but he still can’t shake the feeling. Kibum waves his hand in front of Jinki’s face but when Jinki doesn’t react he pouts instead.

When Taeyeon tears her eyes from Jinki’s and Jinki turns back to Kibum, he is surprised at the sight that meets him. Kibum is unbearably cute. The man in front of him is nothing like the man he met last year and Jinki should not consider him cute, should not think he’s beautiful but Kibum is beautiful. Kibum continues to talk about his new job at the hospital when Jinki begins listen and the more he talks, the more Jinki thinks he might be crushing just a little bit on the human.

 

✕✕✕

 

It should be accidental, really, the way they meet up so often but the more Jinki tries to execute his plan in secret, the more Kibum finds him and coaxes him into staying, into talking. Jinki realizes he doesn’t want to leave Kibum alone when Christmas ends and the realization has him distancing himself slightly from the other man.

The time they spend together does not only hurt because Jinki is starting to get to know Kibum, it also hurts because he knows he could have had it all had he still been alive. The Christmas carols they sing to each other as they walk down the streets Christmas shopping and the conversations they have over lunch.

They walk through the parks in Daegu when the sun has set and laughs towards the stars. Kibum’s laughter is as addictive as his silence and Jinki finds himself drawn to him. When the first snow falls on December 12 Jinki finds Kibum deep in thought and decides to spice up their day with a snowball fight. Kibum is annoyed when he’s hit with the first snowball but the light in his eyes changes gradually as he bends down to create a snowball of his own.

They laugh in the snow like children and adults look at them like they’re insane and Jinki thinks that maybe they are insane but laughter is better than anything else and it’s exactly what he’s looking for. An hour later when they’re soaked to the bone, Kibum asks him if he wants to go back to his place.

Jinki hasn’t revealed where he’s staying in fear of revealing himself. It’s not like he as an angel needs a roof over his head and he usually spends most nights in 24-hour cafés and libraries, but he can’t tell Kibum that.

Kibum leads him to a small 1-bedroom apartment and invites him inside. It’s humble in decoration, not a lot of furniture and not a lot of pictures on the wall yet still it oozes Kibum. There’s an intimacy in it all despite the little decoration. A few family pictures are on the only dresser and Jinki finds himself staring at a young Kibum with an elderly lady in front of an amusement park ride. Kibum sneaks up behind him, towelling his hair and when Jinki turns around he’s face to face with Kibum. Kibum smiles a little.

“That was my grandmother,” he says fondly and Jinki swallows a lump in his throat. “Do you want to borrow a towel for your hair?” Kibum asks a few seconds later, changing the conversation from family affairs to more mundane things. Jinki nods and he follows Kibum into the small kitchen when he’s done towelling his hair dry. Kibum is heating water on his electric kettle.

“Do you like hot chocolate? I don’t have any more instant coffee,” he says apologetically and Jinki just shrugs as he sits down in the chair.

“Hot chocolate is fine.”

Silence sets over them while Kibum fiddles with two multi-coloured cups as he makes two cups of hot chocolate. He hands one to Jinki before he sits down in the chair opposite of Jinki. There is nothing to really talk about, Jinki realizes, when he takes the first sip of his hot chocolate.

Kibum is still warming his hands on the cup and Jinki notices the elegance of them. They’re long, slender and a small golden band sits over his ring finger. It looks like an engagement ring but if the past 12 days are any indication, Kibum is single. Not once has he mentioned a significant other and there are no signs of two people living in the small apartment.

Jinki doesn’t dare ask, however. He doesn’t want what has unexpectedly happened between them to be broken because he’s too nosy. Jinki doesn’t need to ask, though, when Kibum notices he’s looking at the ring as well. He chuckles a little and sits up a little straighter in his chair.

“It’s my father’s,” he says and twists it around once, twice before he leaves it alone on his finger. “He gave it to me before he died as a reminder. I have worn it ever since.”

It’s the first time Kibum has acknowledged his father’s death for Jinki. Jinki hasn’t mentioned it, obviously, because he’s still a stranger and details like that are delicate. All the things he knows about Kibum because of paperwork is long forgotten memories, details he can never say out loud because that would make him appear as a creep.

“Oh,” he says dumbly instead of nodding in understanding. Kibum shrugs a little and takes another sip of his hot chocolate.

“It’s nothing,” he says and tries to mask his vulnerability but Jinki sees right through him.

“It’s okay, you don’t have to hide from me.”

Jinki smiles and Kibum takes another sip of his hot chocolate. The silence falls over them again as they continue to drink their hot chocolate while the snow falls softly outside. When he leaves to find a 24-hour café in the evening, he can’t help but wonder what he’s going to do when he has to leave.

For some reason, getting close to Kibum, is tearing on Jinki as well. The knowledge that there is a person here who seeks him out, wants his company, is more than he had ever wished as a human and to finally get it, even in death, is strange. He doesn’t want to leave Kibum, though. As much as he knows he will have to and as much as he knows that Kibum will likely forget him when December ends, he can’t help the want to stay forever. Jinki wishes he could go back to life. He’ll have to ask someone about that when he gets back to HQ.

 

✕✕✕

 

They watch the girls’ choir sing carols on December 16 before they retreat to Kibum’s apartment to create Christmas decorations. Christmas music is playing through the speakers as they dance around and sing along. It’s silly, really, but the smile on Kibum’s face and his laughter has Jinki’s heart beating faster and Jinki finds himself so enchanted with the other man he sometimes stops what he’s doing just to look.

Kibum laughs and continues his decoration and instead of hanging it in the windows as planned he starts decorating Jinki. Paper hearts and colourful paper cornets adorn his hair and Kibum laughs out loud when he places a paper heart right above Jinki’s real heart. Jinki laughs and catches his hand and without thinking he laces their fingers. Kibum stiffens and pulls away and Jinki instantly regrets everything he has ever done in his entire life. There was a reason he killed himself, he should never have become a Christmas Angel. How could he possibly think he could make Kibum’s Christmas better when he always does the wrong things.

He doesn’t get to leave the apartment before Kibum has intertwined their fingers again.

“You look like an idiot,” he says and squeezes Jinki’s hand. Jinki tries to drown the beating of his heart as he tilts his head and feels the paper hearts scratch his neck.

“And whose fault is that?” he asks and Kibum snorts.

“You would be a beautiful Christmas tree, though. I don’t need to buy one now, I just need you to stand in the corner!”

Kibum laughs and stands up, pulling Jinki with him and pushes him to the corner. He takes a step back and laughs at the sight of a confused Jinki in the corner. Then he tilts his head a little and brings a finger to his mouth as he fakes thinking deeply before he nods to himself.

“I know what you’re missing.”

And with those words, Kibum hurries off into his bedroom. When he comes back he’s carrying an old golden star and as he places it on top of Jinki’s head, he stumbles a little and ends up far closer than any of them had expected. A slight pink dusts his cheeks as he takes a step back and looks down. Jinki wishes he wasn’t thinking about how it would be to kiss Kibum. They stay silent for a few heartbeats until Jinki coughs slightly to rid himself of the curiosity.

“So, do I look like a Christmas tree now?” Jinki says in a silent voice and Kibum looks up and sends him a grateful smile before he nods.

“You look perfect, just stand still.”

Kibum hurries off and when he returns he has his phone in hand. He snaps a picture of Jinki despite Jinki’s protests and the mood only minutes earlier seem to dissipate in the air as they continue their decorations.

 

✕✕✕

 

“Look at this!” Jinki says and hurries to a stand where he finds a pair of glasses for New Years. They write out 2019 in gold glitter and Kibum laughs out loud.

“It’s not even Christmas yet!” he whines and Jinki chuckles as he puts the glasses back in their stand. Kibum grabs his elbow and drags him to the next stand to look at small homemade scented candles and soap. He smells the different kind of candles and holds up a few for Jinki to smell as well. They decide on vanilla and a cinnamon Christmas candle and Jinki looks around.

His eyes catch another small stand that has a lot of wooden figures on display and he drags Kibum with him, their hands linked lazily so they don’t lose each other in the amount of people on the market. There are reindeer and santas and elfs and everything a Christmas heart could desire and Jinki notices how Kibum reaches out towards a small figure of an angel. It’s simple, looks a little like Jonghyun and it has Jinki smiling a little.

When Kibum finds the price, sighs and puts it back down, Jinki decides he can buy a Christmas present for Kibum.

“Let me buy it,” he says and Kibum shakes his head and pushes the figure away from Jinki.

“No, just leave it be. Don’t spend money on me,” he says and Jinki frowns cutely. Kibum rolls his eyes. “That does not work on me Lee Jinki, come on.”

With those words, he drags Jinki with him towards the next stand and Jinki casts a glance towards the tree stand and the small angel.

They sit on a bench with styrofoam cups of mulled wine and looks at the Christmas light and the bustling Christmas market. On the other side of the road, Shinsegae fights Lotte on Christmas decorations and sales. Kibum leans his head on Jinki’s and Jinki shivers at the contact.

“Two years ago, my father took me to this market. I haven’t been here since he was killed in a traffic accident on the 25th,” he says and sighs a little. Jinki blows on his cup and takes a sip of it.

“You don’t have to tell me if you’re not comfortable,” he says. He’s gotten better at dealing with Kibum’s emotions. It’s his own that are scaring him slightly. He can deal with those the rest of the year, however. This is Kibum’s time and he’s here entirely for Kibum anyway. Kibum closes his eyes and nods, the action messing up Jinki’s hair a little. Jinki just stays put.

In the last 15 days, Jinki has taken a liking to Kibum he shouldn’t have. The way his heart speeds up is proof enough but even when he’s alone Jinki can’t help but thinking of Kibum. This is what he had expected last year to be but he’s happy it wasn’t. Last year he wouldn’t have been able to deal with everything, but this year it’s easier. Well, as easy as it gets because at the end of the day, every time Jinki goes to his midnight cafés, he realizes that saying goodbye will only be harder this time around.

“It’s okay,” Kibum says. “I should probably talk about it. Grandma told me to stop isolating myself. It was her last wish before she died last year. That I started finding friends and started living life.” There’s a brief pause before he continues. “It’s silly, isn’t it?”

Jinki shakes his head and forces Kibum to lift his. They look at each other. Jinki has a serious expression on his face as he answers.

“Not at all.”

Kibum scuffs his feet against the gravel and looks to the ground.

“What a sad topic for Christmas, though,” he says and tries to stir the conversation from the death of his father and grandmother and towards something more superficial. Jinki leans back against the back and squeezes Kibum’s glove-clad hand.

“It’s okay. I don’t really mind.”

Kibum turns around with a grateful smile.

“It must be fate that led me to you, wasn’t it?” he asks and Jinki widens his eyes in panic. Then he shakes his head frantically and it causes Kibum to laugh. “Don’t worry, I didn’t mean it as a bad thing!”

He pushes Jinki’s shoulder lightly and Jinki yelps when he has to place a hand on the bench to keep himself from tipping over. Kibum only laughs louder but the conversation has made something lighter between them. It’s like they have grown that much closer in a time frame that should be impossible.

Jinki pushes Kibum back and it starts a small fight between them until Kibum stands up and takes a few steps away. Jinki gets up as well and lunges towards Kibum that only starts running away. They end up back at the market, fewer people donning the streets now that it’s later. The mulled wine stand, however, is only getting more crowded. A couple of teenagers, snicker to their left and pushes each other around in a small group. Kibum cranes his neck to look at what has got them so giddy and Jinki frowns and tries to pull Kibum away.

“Hey, look, it’s a mistletoe!” Kibum says and Jinki stops in his track when he realizes that there are mistletoes hung on the lines above their heads and that they’re standing right below one. Kibum wiggles his eyebrows suggestively and Jinki’s heart speeds up.

“Don’t be stupid,” he says and looks around. Kibum laughs.

“Are you scared?” he asks and Jinki turns back to him with an incredulous look.

“Yeah,” he says like it’s logical and Kibum snickers. “Who would want to kiss you?”

His reply has Kibum choking on saliva and Jinki laughs when he runs away while Kibum charges after him. People look at them like they’re stupid and immature but in this moment, there is nothing Jinki wants to feel more than this free together with Kibum. And Kibum’s laughter only makes it better.

They end up in Kibum’s living room, a Christmas movie playing on the TV but none of them is watching. Kibum is running his hands through Jinki’s hair and Jinki is contemplating telling Kibum he won’t be there for New Years.

“Hey,” Kibum says and pulls a little on Jinki’s hair. Jinki winces and sits up instead of lying down. “Did you mean it when you said you were scared at the market?”

Jinki blinks a little while he thinks back to the market. He tilts his head slightly before he shrugs a little.

“I don’t like getting insulted publicly and you never know what those drunk men at the mulled wine stand would do to a gay couple.”

Only when he has said the words does he realize what they sound like.

“I mean …” he tries but Kibum nods a little and it interrupts Jinki’s sentence and provokes him into silence.

“So if I told you I stole a piece of mistletoe and brought it back here, would you kiss me?”

Jinki keeps quiet as he thinks over the scenario. His heart is screaming yes, the blood pumping loudly in his veins and the butterflies in his stomach making it nearly impossible to think, but he doesn’t know what to tell Kibum. First of all, he can’t imagine Kibum stealing a piece of mistletoe but more importantly, he can’t imagine Kibum wanting to kiss him. Jinki shrugs a little and looks at the couch where he finds a loose thread in the lining and starts pulling at it.

“Stop ruining my couch,” Kibum says offhandedly and Jinki looks up to get eye contact with him. In his hand is a piece of mistletoe and as Kibum lifts it above their heads he sends Jinki a gentle smile, nervousness shining in his eyes.

“Whoops, looks like we’re under the mistletoe. Now you’ll have to kiss me. Nobody is going to insult you publicly or beat you to a pulp.”

Jinki blinks a couple of times, lets his gaze from the mistletoe to Kibum’s face and back to the mistletoe before it once again lands on Kibum’s face. He swallows the lump in his throat before he scoots a little closer. Jinki can feel his hands shake when he leans closer to Kibum and as their lips meet and his eyes close it’s like a small firework explodes in his mind. Kibum’s lips are chapped from the cold, slightly rough, but they move in tandem with Jinki’s like they were created to do this. It’s soft and gentle, experimental but it fits so perfectly together that neither of them apply more pressure or changes position at all. It isn’t until Kibum wraps his arms around Jinki’s neck and the mistletoe in his hand pricks Jinki’s nape that Jinki pulls away from the kiss.

“Auch,” he says and Kibum chuckles a little when he realizes it’s the mistletoe. The plant is placed on the coffee table before he puts his arms on Jinki’s shoulders again and they kiss once more.

“Who would’ve known,” Kibum says as they lie in Kibum’s one-man bed. “That I would end up liking you in 15 days.”

Jinki yawns a little and sends him a soft smile.

“I like you too,” he says and Kibum hits his chest lightly.

“Let me finish, you jerk.”

Jinki just snorts but stays silent. Kibum never elaborates on his confession but Jinki doesn’t need it to know Kibum likes him as much as he likes Kibum.

 

✕✕✕

 

When Kibum wakes up the next morning, Jinki pretends to be asleep. It isn’t until Kibum has left the bedroom and closed the door softly behind him before Jinki opens his eyes and exhales heavily. This is not good. As much as he likes Kibum and as fond of Kibum as he truly is, this is a mess. Jonghyun’s voice swims in his head as it repeats “falling in love with humans is not recommended” and Minho’s “seeing loved ones hurting and then seeing them move on, it’s evil” is an addictive jingle that is causing thoughts Jinki thought he had left behind when he jumped in front of the train to rise again.

He stares at the wooden ceiling. He needs to tell Kibum that he’ll be gone by the end of December 25th because he can’t just leave, but the conversation will undoubtedly bring him to explain why that is and Jinki doesn’t have any good excuse. If he says he’s moving, Kibum will just ask him if they can text but Jinki doesn’t have a cell phone when he’s at HQ and there’s no internet to reach Earth.

There will be no communication whatsoever and the only thing Jinki can really think of to explain that is to explain to Kibum that he’s an angel. That, however, leaves other problems in its wake because there’s no way he can prove he’s an angel without his wings and there’s no reason for Kibum to believe him. That is also going against the laws and the basics of being an angel and Jinki doesn’t really know what kind of consequences it will have.

Worst of all, however, is the fact that the news of his departure will undoubtedly make Kibum sad and that will end up giving him a warning. Jinki is sure that he doesn’t want to go downstairs, though, not when he has experienced what it’s like to be a Christmas Angel.

Kibum enters 30 minutes later and Jinki fakes a yawn as the bed dips. Kibum’s hand is soft against the skin on Jinki’s shoulder when he gently shakes him and Jinki blinks lazily towards Kibum.

“Good morning,” Kibum whispers and leans down to kiss Jinki’s forehead. Jinki feels his stomach lurch with nervousness and it’s stupid, really.

“Morning,” he mumbles and Kibum sends him a smile.

“I made breakfast and it’s nothing big but … I don’t want to eat alone.”

There’s a vulnerability to his voice that has Jinki’s heart swell with care and his chest constrict with fear of betraying the one before him.

“I’ll be there in a minute,” Jinki whispers and Kibum nods a little again before he kisses Jinki’s lips once.

As he gets off the bed and walks into the living room again, Jinki lets a hand through his hair. They need to have this conversation and they need to have it before December 25th. It’s just so unbearably difficult to say. 45 seconds later Jinki climbs out of bed and stretches his tired limps before he joins Kibum in the kitchen. The radio is playing softly in the background, old Christmas jingles filling the small room. On the table is sliced apples and egg sandwiches. Kibum is dressed in his robe with his feet propped up on the chair as well as he nipples to an apple. Jinki sends him a soft smile.

The sight makes his heart ache with love and he wishes he could wake up to this the rest of his life. There is something so inherently innocent over Kibum the way he sits like that. Jinki kind of wishes they would have met before he took his own life. The thought clouds his mind for a few seconds and his smile drops. Kibum tilts his head slightly in question, having detected the change in Jinki’s mood. Jinki just waves it away, though, as he sits down and reaches towards an egg sandwich.

They eat in comfortable silence. The wall clock ticks away, counting seconds before they’ll have to depart again and Jinki tries to drown out the sound. He doesn’t succeed and Kibum lets his feet slip to the floor so he can stand and sit down in Jinki’s lap instead.

“What are you thinking about?” he asks softly and Jinki looks up. Kibum’s hands rest on Jinki’s shoulders and Jinki puts his sandwich down so he can circle Kibum’s midsection.

“You,” he says truthfully. Kibum chuckles a little.

“That’s so cliché,” he says and Jinki nods.

“Well, you make me want to be cliché. Our love story should be a romantic cliché.”

This has Kibum laughing out loud and he connects their foreheads. Kibum’s warm breath has Jinki’s hitching and Kibum just sends him a smile when he finishes laughing.

“We could be a romantic Christmas movie,” he says in a whisper and Jinki nods.

“We’d be a better love story than Love Actually,” Jinki replies in a whisper. Kibum snorts.

“Is that really the best you got?” he asks and Jinki shrugs in reply. Kibum pulls away to kiss him and Jinki tightens his hold on Kibum. Their kiss is everything Jinki wishes for and more and the emotions between them create static electricity. When their kiss breaks in all its sweetness Jinki squeezes Kibum’s side and Kibum squirms out of his grip so he can stand.

“You should finish your breakfast,” he says with a smile and Jinki reaches out towards him to get him back into his lap. Kibum doesn’t sit down, however. Instead he takes Jinki’s hand and laces their fingers. As he sits down on his chair opposite of Jinki, their linked hands rest on the table between them. Kibum keeps eating apples and Jinki continues on with his egg sandwich, comfortable silence only broken by the scratchy radio.

 

✕✕✕

 

“Kibum,” Jinki says and Kibum hums. Kibum is assembling a particularly complicated paper heart and Jinki sits down on the floor in front of him so he can gain his attention. The way Kibum’s tongue is peeking out from the corner of his lips in concentration makes him adorable and Jinki can’t stop the smile that flits over his lips. Then he remembers the conversation they need to have and it slips away again. “We need to talk.”

Kibum looks up when he manages to get the slip of paper right.

“About what?” he asks with clear confusion. It’s cute, really, the way Kibum is so unsuspecting this time around when he’s lost people the past two years in December. Jinki reasons he has needed a place where he could just be him, a now he could live in without worrying about the future and without grieving the past. But Jinki can’t give him that.

“I need to go when Christmas ends.”

The silence that follows his words is stifling. Kibum shifts in his position and puts the heart down as he stares at Jinki.

“What do you mean go?” he asks. A mask is slipping over his features again, just like it had the first Christmas when Jinki had followed Kibum to the hospital to meet his sick grandmother.

“It’s really hard to explain,” Jinki says in a small voice. Kibum just looks at him with a blank stare.

“Are you sick? Do you only have 4 days to live in so you’ll leave me like everybody else have on Christmas?”

Jinki shakes his head.

“No, it’s … Kibum, please don’t withdraw from me.”

Jinki begs and Kibum scoots further away from him so he can rest against the wall.

“Why would you even say such ridiculous stuff?” he asks and Jinki sighs.

“This is just … I can’t really tell you these things…”

Kibum raises an eyebrow.

“You’re going to think I’m insane.”

“I already do,” Kibum says coldly and rises from his seat on the floor. Jinki scrambles after him when Kibum sits down on the couch instead. “Why are you going to leave me?”

“Because…” Jinki takes a deep breath. “I’m-already-sort-of-kind-of-dead.”

Kibum blinks confused and Jinki takes another deep breath so he can repeat the sentence slower. Kibum just continues blinking like Jinki is an idiot. Well, he guesses he is, because this was never meant to be this difficult and they were never meant to actually fall in love but here they are anyway.

“You’re already sort of kind of dead?” Kibum repeats in disbelief. “What the fuck is that supposed to mean? I’m pretty sure you weren’t cold and had fangs last time we kissed and I’m also pretty sure you haven’t eaten my brain yet.”

Jinki exhales shakily.

“No, it’s … I’m an angel.”

He feels a shiver run down his spine that has nothing to do with Kibum or the incredulous stare he’s sending him. It feels like he’s being watched by a deity which he probably is, considering he just revealed his real identity to a human that is still very much alive. Kibum bursts out in laughter then.

“Oh, right. I get it. You have someone else, don't you? You’re married or something like that. I’m just your sidehoe, am I not? After Christmas, you have to go back to wherever you’re living and you don’t want to bring me because that would mess up your marriage and your already so convenient life. So, you’re coming back next year for more Christmas romance or what?”

Jinki widens his eyes in confusion.

“What are you on about?” he asks.

“What am I on about?” Kibum’s voice pitches as he puts emphasis on 'I' and Jinki winces slightly. “You’re the one trying to excuse your shitty absence with being an angel! Angels don’t exist Jinki! C’mon, are you going to tell me my father has been watching over me from heaven, because that’s some cruel shit. No wait, I don’t want to hear it. Fuck you. Fuck everything you’ve brought with you.”

“Kibum,” Jinki tries but Kibum glares at him and Jinki stands from the couch. He takes a few steps back while Kibum rises and forces him from the living room to the hall way and out the front door.

“I don’t want to ever see you again,” he sneers and slams the door. Jinki blinks. There are tears collecting in his eyes and he doesn’t know how to mend all of this before Christmas is over. Jinki has fucked up real bad. When he turns around he walks directly into Luna and she tilts her head with a sad gaze.

“Not good,” she says and hands Jinki a slip of paper. The moment he takes it, it bursts into flames and leaves a red scar on his palm. “Warning number 1. Fix it before your privileges are taken from you.”

Jinki stares at the scar.

“But how am I going to fix it?” he asks and Luna raises an eyebrow.

“Ask Kibum.”

She walks towards the stairs but instead of going down, she takes the stairs up. Jinki frowns and turns back to the closed front door.

 

✕✕✕

 

Kibum doesn’t open the door. He doesn’t acknowledge Jinki’s knocking or the ringing on the door bell. He doesn’t leave his apartment and he doesn’t even look out the window. Jinki sits on the stairs when he doesn’t sit in front of Kibum’s front door and time ticks by slowly. December 21 leaves and December 22 arrives. Jinki is still stuck in a hopelessness and his human depression, that hadn’t followed him in death, is sneaking up on him again, far worse than it has ever been when he was alive. To keep himself company when he isn’t trying to apologize to Kibum, he’s humming Christmas carols. This has got to be the worst kind of Christmas ever.

He sits on the cold staircase, elderly people glaring at him as they pass and he calls out to Kibum only to be met with silence.

When he on December 24th rises from his seat, his muscles are protesting and his body aches in ways it hasn’t when he was human. Jinki walks the streets silently, watches people connect over good food and laughter. The Christmas market is still there, open for the last day before Christmas the next morning and as he walks through the small streets created between the stands, he notices the tree stand.

The angel that looks like Jonghyun, the one Kibum had had an eye on, is still there, shining brightly between reindeers and Christmas trees and Jinki picks it out. It’s expensive, the details intricate and beautiful and the wood it has been carved in a dark mahogany. The salesman looks at Jinki with a lazy gaze. Jinki sends him a strained smile and buys the wooden figure and when he returns to Kibum’s front door, he places it on the door step. Kibum will have to leave his apartment sooner or later. With a pen he finds in his pocket he writes a small note on the brown paper it has been wrapped in and rings the doorbell. He doesn’t turn around to look at the door when he retreats again.

He might as well wander the streets again on December 25th like he did last year. It’s better than sitting in front of Kibum’s apartment door and being rejected once again.

As the sun sets, the streets lights turn on and the snow starts to softly fall again. He sits on a bench at the Arboretum and watches the naked trees slowly getting covered with white dusty snowflakes and he remembers. Jinki’s mind, however, doesn’t need to remember past Christmases of when he was alive for his heart to ache, it only needs to remind him of all the things he’s done with Kibum. He doesn’t feel the tear that tracks down his cheek nor does he notice the way he starts humming softly as he remembers hugs and kisses that shouldn’t feel so right.

There is nothing he wishes for more than going back 72 hours to when he was still with Kibum, still able to breathe in the other’s warm scent and hold his soft hands. Jinki’s heart aches and for the first time in years, he actually feels messed up, unloved and so undeniably wrong.

 

✕✕✕

 

His depression had been a long time coming, really. When Jinki was 12, he had been excluded by his peers for reasons nobody really understood. He had been the last person chosen when they did sports and he had been the last person asked when hanging out. He had been mocked silently, there at the expense of other’s so they could laugh at him and talk in the corners about clumsy Jinki.

This, of course, had led to everything it shouldn’t have. As much as he had tried to change himself, nothing had really ever worked and instead of becoming a challenge, it had become a burden. Jinki had withdrawn from everybody and he had started eating less. He had been sleeping more, his grades had been suffering and the only thing he could think of was the burden he had proved to be to the world. He was good for nothing.

All throughout his teenage-years, Jinki had been a loner. Every time anyone had shown a little interest in him, he had withdrawn, convincing himself that he was still a laughing stock, still the last one chosen. He wasn’t interesting and nobody deserved his company. His parents hadn’t noticed, not when he started eating again and as they stopped worrying, Jinki’s depression had turned stronger. Life had been difficult and without energy, he had been deemed lazy by superiors and seniors at his part-time job and he had been fired.

When Jinki started college at the late age of 25, he had actually managed to find a few friends. His mind had been telling him he was still a laughing stock, but determined to succeed in at least one thing in life, Jinki had carried on. Until that fateful spring when he had been able to shower for 7 days in a row because of his mind. After then, things had only been going down-hill again, but this time hidden in plain sight and nobody had worried.

 

✕✕✕

 

Jinki sighs and rests his feet on the edge of the bench. His jacket-clad shoulders are collected white snow and turning his black jacket white. He rests his head on his knees but as he does so, he opens his eyes wide at the sight of two brown boots he knows all too well. He scrambles to his feet, only to lower his gaze. He’s too intimidated to look at Kibum. It hurts too much. Time goes by slowly until Jinki finally braves himself and looks up. In his hands, Kibum is holding onto a small brown package and a wrinkled note in a handwriting Jinki recognizes as his own. They’re staring at each other in the silence of the night.

“I told you not to buy it,” Kibum says and Jinki feels his heart shrink a little.

“I wanted to.”

Jinki wants most of all to just turn around, flee and maybe go back to HQ before time. He doesn’t know if that’s actually possible. He’s positive that Jonghyun and Luna aren’t going to come pick him up before midnight on the 25th so he is going to be stuck on Earth for the last 26 hours. Kibum takes a step towards Jinki and Jinki automatically takes a step back. It isn’t until Kibum moves forward again and sits down on the bench that Jinki realises he’s not about to be physically hurt.

“You’re going to be cold,” Jinki whispers when he sits down next to Kibum and Kibum shrugs a little.

“So are you,” he says and Jinki draws his knees towards his chest, feet again resting on the edge of the bench. Kibum is still holding the package in his hands, left thumb caressing the paper. Jinki forces himself to stop staring at his finger.

“Why are you here Kibum?” Jinki swallows the lump in his throat as Kibum stills his action and turns to look at him. He rearranges the package in his lap and Jinki fears for a quick moment that Kibum is going to hand it back along with the note and break Jinki’s heart beyond repair.

“Do angels really exist?” he asks in a whisper and Jinki widens his eyes in surprise. It takes a few seconds before he gains enough control over his body to close his eyes for a short moment before he opens them again. He looks at Kibum softly before he nods.

“Yes,” he answers. “I didn’t believe in life after Death either when I died. Actually, I kind of hoped it didn’t exist, that it would just be black but as it turns out, it’s anything but. I know it sounds ridiculous, ludicrous even, but I wasn’t lying to you, Kibum. The man you met last year that sung you carols and followed you to the hospital and built you snowmen, that was also me. I had you show me around Daegu under the cover that I had just moved here and you only reluctantly had a coffee with me afterwards. I promise, if there was anything I could do to stay with you throughout the year, I would do that, but I don’t know if that’s a possibility.”

Kibum keeps quiet when Jinki stops. Jinki worries his lower lip between his teeth as he watches Kibum’s reaction. The mood is tense in a weird way. It’s not negative, not like they’re about to fight again. It’s not positive either, not really. It’s expectant of what the future holds. There are only two ways from here, either Kibum thinks he’s lying or he believes him against all odds.

“You were that man,” Kibum whispers and doesn’t react to anything else Jinki has said. He doesn’t blink, just sits there silently as he stares in front of him again, looking at the trees. Jinki nods, although Kibum isn’t able to see. “Please sing The First Noel.”

Jinki blinks surprised at the request but starts softly anyway. He doesn’t notice that Kibum scoots a little closer and closes his eyes, softly breathing in the sound of Jinki’s voice. Jinki feels his throat constrict when tears from in his eyes and as he continues to sing, they slowly start to trek down his cheeks. When the song ends in a soft whisper, Kibum is crying as well.

“It really is you,” Kibum says and Jinki nods.

“I’m sorry, Kibum.”

Kibum shakes his head a little and lifts his hand slightly, only to let it fall back to his thigh.

“Will you come back next Christmas?” he asks and Jinki nods again, making promises he doesn’t know if he can keep. But he wants to come back for the next 50 years.

“If you want me to come back,” Jinki says and Kibum snorts a little. It sounds a little choked up and Jinki can’t fight the soft smile that lifts the corners of his lips.

“I want you to come back...” Kibum admits a few seconds later and when they finally get eye contact, both of them have tear-streaked cheeks and soft smiles on their lips.

“Would it be inappropriate of me to ask you to celebrate Christmas with me?” Kibum asks and Jinki shakes his head.

“I’d be more than honoured to do so,” he says and Kibum chuckles a little before he leans in and kisses Jinki softly. It’s apologetic and hesitant but Jinki wants it as much as Kibum does. Both of them are too scared to truly admit to their feelings, however, so the kiss stays soft and hesitant. Despite all that, it’s the best Jinki has ever gotten. They walk back to Kibum’s apartment hand in hand, wooden angel forgotten on the bench in the Arboretum.

 

✕✕✕

 

When Jinki wakes up on December 25th he’s lying in a soft bed with an arm slung over his chest and a warm breath tickling his neck. Kibum is sniffing softly in his sleep and Jinki shifts slightly so he can turn his head and look at him. Kibum’s blonde hair is messy against the pillow and there are marks on his cheek but he looks so innocent in his sleep.

He may have to leave tonight but as they lie in bed, Jinki promises himself that he will do anything for Kibum today so his Christmas becomes the best he has ever had. He knows, deep inside, that nothing beats childhood Christmases but Jinki is willing to give it a try.

They lie in silence, Jinki too occupied with just staring at the sleeping man, until Kibum stirs.

“Morning,” Jinki softly whispers when Kibum rubs his eyes and Kibum blinks suspiciously until he realizes that it isn’t a dream. Jinki is really here to celebrate Christmas with him. They stare at each other for another few seconds before Kibum yawns and lays down with his head on Jinki’s chest. Jinki can feel his heart beat against his rib cage and it shouldn’t but he guesses that’s the consequences of being in love and he is undeniably in love with Kibum.

When they finally get out of bed, it’s 10.30 AM, their fingers are lazily linked and they have placed themselves on the couch with pieces of fruit and egg sandwiches in front of them. The TV is on, showing silly Christmas cartoons between bouts of morning news. Jinki is rubbing his thumb over the back of Kibum’s hand and Kibum smiles while he feeds Jinki fruit.

The atmosphere in the apartment is comfortable and in the windows hang the paper hearts they have spent December creating. Jinki has noticed that the small piece of mistletoe that Kibum stole from the market hangs over the kitchen counter, probably as a reminder of what they have created in the past month. If Jinki is honest, he doesn’t want to leave ever again. If there was a way to stay for all eternity with Kibum, he would have chosen that.

Kibum seems to have chosen to forget that Jinki will leave as soon as midnight arrives. But even with the knowledge that they will only have hours left together until next year, they both choose to steer the conversations away from that.

 

As they eat a late lunch around 2 PM, Jinki observes a quiet Kibum and he knows that he’s thinking, holding back from asking because he doesn’t want to sound curious or ask any offensive question.

“Just ask,” Jinki says and Kibum looks up with wide eyes.

“I wasn’t…” he denies but Jinki just sends him a smirk and continues eating his rice and the kimchi on his plate. Kibum sighs deeply and pokes his chopsticks in his rice, playing around with them for a few seconds before he finally puts them down and looks up.

“What is dying like?” he finally asks and Jinki raises an eyebrow.

“Are you sure you want to know that on Christmas Day?”

Kibum nods and relocates from his chair to Jinki’s lap. His lunch is forgotten and he presses a kiss to Jinki’s lips. Jinki sighs as he’s forced to put his chopsticks down with a lapful of Kibum. He guesses he wasn’t that hungry anymore.

“It’s not that bad.”

Kibum raises an eyebrow when Jinki doesn’t say anymore.

“That’s it?” he asks and Jinki shrugs.

“That’s what you wanted to know, right?” Kibum frowns and shakes his head and Jinki chuckles while he wraps his arms around Kibum’s midsection. “Dying is not really anything. The confusion when you wake up, however, is much worse. I met Taemin first in Monitoring and it was not a good experience. I think most other people get a softer awakening after death before they meet either Minseok or Minho.”

Kibum listens curiously but it’s obvious to Jinki that he doesn’t fully understand anyway.

“Are they also angels?” he asks and Jinki thins his lips before he shakes his head.

“No, it’s… I don’t know what they are really. Are you really sure you want to have this conversation on Christmas Day?”

Kibum rolls his eyes and rests his arms on Jinki’s shoulders.

“What else would we be talking about?” he asks and Jinki frowns in offense.

“Am I only exciting to you now that I’m not human?” Kibum chuckles and leans in close but not close enough and Jinki feels his breath hitch at the sight. He wants to lean closer, wants to capture his lips in a kiss and forget the conversation but Kibum keeps pulling slightly away, keeping the distance between them even when Jinki leans forward.

“I’m going to learn everything about angels,” he tells him and Jinki just sends him a smirk. There’s no way Kibum will learn anything about what it’s really like. No books describe Heaven like the HQ really is. Even dramas and movies that have tried to establish a different Heaven is nothing like HQ.

“Good luck,” Jinki says and it’s enough to get Kibum to finally connect their lips. The kiss turns heated after a few seconds, fingers digging into scalps and running over backs and Jinki almost forgets himself in the heat of their kiss. When they part, Kibum is breathing heavily and Jinki sends him a small smile as he leans close to connect their lips one last time. It doesn’t last long but it’s enough to transfer their love for one another.

 

They relocate to the living room again, the snow falling from the sky and the two of them cuddling on the couch. Kibum is clinging onto Jinki and Jinki is enjoying the warmth of his body. It feels almost like being alive. They are watching TV without really watching, both of them occupied with their own thoughts. They have decided to take it slowly, to enjoy the evening just the two of them without doing much.

They don’t need to exchange presents or turn the light on the Christmas tree on, but as the evening nears, they end up turning the lights on anyway. The tree, that Kibum had earlier been adamant about not getting because he had Jinki, now shines in the corner of the living room, dressed in wobbly paper cones and a broken star on top, but it’s the best thing Jinki has ever seen because it’s theirs.

Kibum cooks a small dinner and Jinki does the best he can at distracting him with kisses and tickles. There’s laughter filling the apartment along with the soft smell of their dinner and when they sit down to eat, Jinki hums slowly to the sound of the radio. Kibum looks at him softly and Jinki feels a slight blush on his cheeks.

Time goes by fast in good company and when the time nears midnight and they’re lying on the couch once again, snuggling together, Jinki is reminded that this is supposed to be goodbye for now. He turns in Kibum’s hold and Kibum looks at him with a questioning gaze. Jinki just sends him a smile and presses a kiss to his lips without a word.

They have been kissing more in the last 24 hours than throughout December but it’s okay because this is their last kisses in a long time.

A strong burn surges through Jinki’s body when the clock strikes midnight and he almost jumps from his position on the couch. Kibum looks at him curiously until he notices time.

“It’s now,” Jinki says with a whine and Kibum nods a little, eyes glazed over with some kind of acknowledgement he doesn’t really want to portray. They both get off the couch. Jinki’s legs carry him to the door on their own. It’s difficult to stop walking, really, some kind of magic forcing him towards the entrance. The control he used to have over his limbs is slipping from him like sand slipping through fingers. Kibum chuckles a little at the sight as he holds him back when they stand in the hallway. Arms wrapped around one another in an embrace, Jinki looks up and gets eye contact with Kibum.

“I love you, Kibum.”

Kibum blushes slightly.

“Just come back next year,” he says before he presses a kiss to Jinki’s lips. Jinki closes his eyes and forgets himself for a moment before the control he doesn’t have pulls him from Kibum and leads him up the staircase.

When he opens the door to the roof, he steps into HQ.

 


	4. Final

 

“You’re grounded,” Jonghyun says the moment Jinki steps into the white office. Jonghyun looks at him with a frown and displeasure is written everywhere over his features.

“Wait, what?” Jinki says and blinks. “Why?”

“What did I tell you about the basics of being an angel?” Jonghyun asks and he sounds almost tired when he lets a hand through his soft hair. His wings flutter behind him, feathers standing on edge as if he’s anxious. Jinki swears they look bigger this time.

“Uh,” Jinki says and tries to recall what he had been told two Christmases ago.

“I said,” Jonghyun interrupts. “That you weren’t allowed to tell anyone you were an angel.”

Jinki bites his cheek and tries to remember Jonghyun’s exact words. He does remember being told he couldn’t tell anyone he was an angel, but …

“You said they’d deem me insane and that it would…” he tries but Jonghyun sends him a gaze that would have killed him had he not already been dead.

“I know what I said and I’m also grounding you. Spend the next two months reflecting.”

Jonghyun turns around and is about to leave the office when Jinki asks to his paperwork. He doesn’t get an answer, but he learns later when he sits on his bed in his chamber that he’s not allowed to do anything while he’s grounded. This leaves for less time to actually finish his paperwork when he comes back and the amount has certainly not dwindled.

 

✕✕✕

 

Spending two months in isolation is torture. Not only does he need the communication with others to not feel lonely, the memories of Kibum gets stronger and stronger. Jinki longs for his embrace, for his warmth and for his scent. He keeps imagining Kibum’s voice talking to him softly and if Jinki didn’t know any better, he’d consider himself insane.

He knows Yuta has tried to sneak by just to talk to him for a few minutes but Jonghyun is apparently all-seeing and he doesn’t let anyone near. Jinki kind of wishes he could kill himself again to stop the grounding. He knows he can always retire but there’s no way he’s going to retire when he has promised Kibum to come back. The only thing he can do is live with the silence even though it’s slowly testing his sanity.

Jinki expected the depression to come back, but it hasn’t. That in itself is quite a feat, but for some reason, it would have been easier to deal with now. When all he can do is lie in bed and stare at his walls, it would have been easier to have the company of self-hatred and self-loathing. But he must do without. He has forgotten time, doesn’t really know whether it’s still January or if it has become February already.

Every day is the same and Jinki hates it more than anything. He should regret it, want to turn back time and never tell Kibum, but he doesn’t regret it.

 

✕✕✕

 

On February 26th, when Jonghyun knocks on his door to tell him the grounding is over, Jinki isn’t even sure he wants to leave his chamber. It takes a lot of prodding and Yunho passing by to get Jinki out of his bed and onto 2nd floor. He avoids the curious gazes he gets and Yunho puts a hand around his shoulder, protecting him slightly. It feels nice to be the small one in the company of the older Christmas Angel.

When he’s sat down at his desk, Krystal leans over hers so she can look at him with a soft smile.

“Hey Jinki,” she says and Jinki nods a greeting her way. She doesn’t sound intrusive in any way and Jinki appreciates it. Yunho leaves him alone seconds later when someone Jinki has yet to meet calls for him. Krystal is writing on her papers with her pink pen, the sound of pen meeting paper a soft melody to Jinki and he closes his eyes so he can forget the stares and focus on the reality in front of him.

Just because he has spent the last two months in isolation, doesn’t mean he can forget where he is nor his promise. He needs to finish with paperwork to be able to get back to Kibum.

 

✕✕✕

 

It’s Kyungsoo that notices his warning first but instead of pointing it out while Jinki is at his desk, he waits until Jinki has to search through the Archive for Kibum’s grandmother’s resting soul. He corners him between the rows of P-200’s and P-250’s and Jinki looks up in confusion until he notices that Kyungsoo is looking at the scar on his hand. Jinki wraps his other hand around it, trying to disguise it but it’s too late.

“You got a warning?” he asks in a whisper and Jinki sighs deeply.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” he says and Kyungsoo raises an eyebrow. Jinki tries to flee but Kyungsoo doesn’t let him get away and Jinki is stopped only a few feet later.

“Why did they ground you?” Kyungsoo asks, tone strict and Jinki crosses his arms in defiance.

“That’s my business only,” he says and Kyungsoo frowns.

“I’m just trying to help you,” Kyungsoo says in a harsh whisper and Jinki turns his gaze away. He doesn’t know how much Kyungsoo will be able to read on him, but he knows there’s no way Kyungsoo is going to understand and there’s no way he can help.

“You won’t be able to help anyway.”

Jinki bites his cheek before he turns away from Kyungsoo again and starts looking through the files in the Archive. Kyungsoo sighs heavily from a few feet behind him.

“If you change your mind, you know where to find me.”

The Archive is then filled with the sound of footsteps as Kyungsoo turns around and disappears back towards HQ. Jinki sighs and misses Kibum’s grandmother and has to start over on the row he’s on.

 

✕✕✕

 

Days pass and months go by. Jinki is busy with paperwork and it doesn’t leave much time for anything else. In July, he gets an epiphany while in his chamber and he sets out on a mission. He needs to figure out if there is any way he can go back to being human. He tries to ask around vaguely but nobody seems to understand what he truly wants to know. He digs into books and old files that he finds laying around but none of them can answer his question. Jinki even goes so far as considering asking either Luna or Jonghyun. He decides against it, however, when he realizes that they’ll likely ground him again for such ludicrous thoughts. Instead he turns his questions elsewhere.

 

✕✕✕

 

“Minseok!” he greets and the older man looks up from his desk, hair messy on his head. The smaller man sends Jinki a soft smile and flips the large notebook in front of him. The pen disappears in thin air. Jinki doesn’t know how they do it.

“What?” Minseok asks and he sounds genuinely curious.

“I have a question,” Jinki says and sits down in front of the large desk. Minseok uses the Office slightly differently than Minho. Even though it’s the same furniture, the same cabinet behind him and the same large notebook in front of him, it feels warmer somehow when Minseok sits in the chair. It’s not that Minho doesn’t feel warm but rather that Minho is much more likely to stick to protocol because he hasn’t had as much time as Minseok to memorise it. Minseok nods and urges Jinki to continue.

“Can a dead person be brought back to life?”

The question has Minseok’s eyes widening comically.

“No, of course not,” he says and chuckles. Jinki tries hard not to frown. “The dead are dead and the living are living. Some of us might walk the Earth again after Death, but it’s impossible to come back to life.”

Minseok tilts his head and places his chin on his folded hands and Jinki kind of wants to leave him alone without answering the question having in the air.

“Why do you ask?” Minseok finally asks out loud and Jinki groans.

“It’s nothing really. I was just curious.”

Minseok nods awkwardly with his chin still in his hands. A woman enters the Office before Minseok gets to ask another question and Jinki slinks out of there when he notices Minseok’s wife approaching him with papers in her hands and hearts in her eyes. Some people are lucky to die with their loved ones, he guesses.

 

✕✕✕

 

In October, he stumbles into Taemin and Kai. They look at each other with a glance of something Jinki can’t really determine and he lets them pass. It isn’t until a few weeks later that he realizes that the way Taemin looks at Kai is the same way Kibum looks at him. The memory of Kibum makes Jinki’s heart ache and it makes him jealous.

It’s really stupid that he fell in love with a human when everybody else seems to have dealt with the loss of their loved ones and being separated. Even Yuta doesn’t seem to react much to the sight of the love that is hidden within HQ. It’s not that there’s a lot of it and maybe Jinki is really sensitive and irritable and maybe he’s just undeniably in love and it hurts to be apart.

He still hasn’t found a solution to whether or not he can turn human again and he still hasn’t dared ask Jonghyun or Luna. It may be a stupid wish, especially after Minho laughed at him and after Kyungsoo sighed deeply and shook his head, but Jinki still really wants to be with Kibum and he wants to be with him more than 25 days every year.

When November rolls around and the case board starts showing signs of Christmas cases, Jinki hovers around it like a predator. He still hasn’t finished his paperwork but to hell with it, because he needs to get Kibum’s case. In the middle of November there’s still no sign of any case of a certain Kim Kibum and Jinki is starting to get anxious. He can’t go back if he has another case. Even if he chooses a South Korean case, there’s no promise it’ll be in Daegu nor that he will have the time to go back.

Sooyoung sends him an odd glance when she picks her case, an elderly lady in Brazil and Krystal frowns towards him when she chooses a young girl in China. He knows that there are cases he could take, cases he’s expected to take, but he still stalls. He waits for hours in front of the case board, scrolling through cases over and over again.

Jonghyun taps his shoulder on November 23rd and asks him to please choose a case soon and Luna clears her throat near his desk in another reminder on November 26th. Jinki is starting to lose hope and has started to look through cases that is also South Korean. There aren’t a lot of them and Jinki would very much like to avoid Seoul so he doesn’t run into people he knew when he was alive. He hasn’t cried yet but the pain in his chest blossoms with the absence of Kibum’s case.

It isn’t until November 28th when Jinki is about to put his fingerprint on a young boy in Mokpo that he notices a new case.

With one last hope, he pulls it forward and there is the name he has been waiting for. Jinki blinks, just to be sure. But it’s there. Kibum’s case is right there, the loss of a lover added to his list of reasons and Jinki’s finger shakes slightly when he puts his fingerprint on the case. He’s going back. Jinki doesn’t notice the tear of relief that rolls down his cheek nor does he notice Luna shake her head behind his back or Jonghyun sighing softly.

 

✕✕✕

 

The snow is falling softly on December 1st in Daegu, when Jinki steps onto the streets from a new apartment complex. He doesn’t expect to be overrun or embraced tightly but when he hears the voice that whispers greetings into his ear, he melts completely and presses closer, hugs tighter.

“You came!” Kibum whispers and Jinki sends him a small smile when they pull apart.

“I promised,” he says and Kibum lets go of Jinki so he can wipe tears from his cheeks.

“How did you know I would be here?” he asks and Jinki frowns a little.

“I didn’t.”

Kibum looks slightly confused until he laughs. Jinki is still confused and he’s still frowning.

“Of course, you would appear where I am, right? You’re an angel.”

Jinki chuckles when he finally registers Kibum’s words before he pulls the other man close again and closes his eyes so he can soak up Kibum’s warmth and his scent.

They stand like that in what feels like forever but Jinki is reluctant to let go when Kibum starts to squirm a little in the embrace. Kibum sends him a soft smile and leans close to peck his lips quickly once before he pulls completely away. Jinki automatically leans a little closer again. It causes Kibum to burst out into laughter and Jinki raises an eyebrow in question. Kibum doesn’t explain as he calms down, but he links their fingers lazily before he starts pulling Jinki with him down the street.

 

They end up in Kibum’s living room. Jinki is slowly letting his hand scratch Kibum’s back and Kibum leans against him and sighs in content.

“I tried looking up angels,” Kibum starts and Jinki stops his scratching for a moment before he begins again with a hum that allows Kibum to continue. “But everything is so religious and you never struck me as the religious representation of an angel. You don’t even have wings.” Kibum stops for a few seconds. “Why don’t you have wings?” he asks in a quiet voice and Jinki removes his hand from Kibum’s back so he can play with his hair instead.

“This is my 3rd year as an angel. We don’t get wings when we sign the contract. They’re earned.”

Kibum removes himself slightly from Jinki so he can look at him curiously.

“You have to tell me more tomorrow.” Jinki just nods and before he knows it, Kibum has straddled his lap and connected their lips again. This time the kiss is deeper, more emotional. The kiss is allowed, consented, wanted. Jinki lets his hands slide over Kibum’s side softly and revels in the giggles that are whispered against his lips. It only urges Jinki on and soon enough, they’re both laughing out loud in a tickling fight while their instant coffee turns cold on the coffee table.

 

✕✕✕

 

The snow doesn’t let up and as the wind picks up and the snow starts drifting over the roads, Kibum starts paying attention to the news. Jinki watches curiously when he finds his beloved on the couch, the sound of the TV loud enough to be heard next door. Kibum doesn’t look up and he doesn’t acknowledge Jinki’s presence but Jinki likes it like that. It’s like they have done this often. It’s a routine Jinki never knew could be established so quickly but here it is.

The newscaster warns people that driving is difficult tonight because of the bad visibility because of the snow and Kibum sighs out loud. Jinki sits down beside him and hands him a cup of instant coffee and Kibum takes a sip of it.

“Looks like I’ll have to call in sick tomorrow,” he says to no one in particular and Jinki shakes his head.

“You’re not sick, though.”

This has Kibum turning his head and he glares at Jinki before he softens a little.

“I can’t leave the apartment in a snow storm like this and they say it’ll only get worse,” he says and his look in his eyes turn slightly mischievous. “Besides, I’d rather spend the day with you.”

Jinki feels his cheeks flush and his heart beat and he takes a sip of his coffee to hide. Kibum knows him all too well, however. It’s incredibly how comfortable Jinki feels in his company and it’s even more incredible how comfortable Kibum feels in his company.

They haven’t spoken more about angels and death and Jinki wishes Christmas could go on forever without but he knows it isn’t going to happen. Kibum needs answers and Jinki is willing to provide him with them. Even if it causes him another 2 months of grounding. He knows that as long as Kibum stays happy during December, Jinki won’t get another warning and he will do anything to avoid December and Christmas to turn sour, even just for a second.

Jinki isn’t magical, not really, but he is an angel and his job is to make Kibum happy. It helps that the love he bears in his heart makes Kibum’s smile the most glorious sight and his laughter the most magical sound. Kibum pokes his cheek when Jinki lowers the coffee before he leans in to press their lips together again. It’s a little excessive, really, the way they kiss all the time, but it’s like the gravitate towards one another and Jinki can’t honestly say he doesn’t like it so he doesn’t. Instead he just lets Kibum kiss him as much as he needs to.

 

✕✕✕

 

It’s December 6th and they’re sitting at the library in a study area. The library is relatively empty, most schools taking it easy the one week before winter vacation. Kibum has a few books spread out in front of them and Jinki sits beside him, leaning over his shoulder as Kibum points to fragments of text and pictures.

A picture of an angel shows up and Jinki doubles over in surprise. Kibum looks at him with a silent question. The picture is a painting of a short man with soft eyes, a sharp jawbone, ruffled black hair and Asian features and on his back is silver-colored wings that reach his thighs. The feathers look slightly ruffled but it’s unmistakably someone he knows.

“When is the painting dated?” Jinki asks and ignores Kibum’s unsaid question. Kibum lets his eyes scan the page before he turns to Jinki.

“1723, why?” When Jinki doesn’t answer, Kibum tries again. “Jinki, why? Seriously…”

Jinki blinks and forces his gaze from the painting in the book. Seeing the painting has only brought an insatiable curiosity with it and he can’t stop it now. It takes everything he has to forget the young Jonghyun in the book and turn all his attention back to Kibum. Kibum is pouting, obviously unhappy with being ignored and Jinki sends him a small smile.

“I know that man in the painting,” he says and Kibum widens his eyes in surprise.

“No way,” he says and Jinki chuckles as silently as he can when they attract a few gazes from the few people around them.

“Yes way,” he whispers back and Kibum closes the book before he stands abruptly. Jinki looks at him from his seat when Kibum scoops the book into his hands and starts walking towards the desk. It takes a few seconds before Jinki realises he’s about to borrow the book and he scrambles after Kibum.

 

The book lies open on Kibum’s kitchen table on the painting of Jonghyun and there are a few papers spread around the book. Kibum sits on one side, Jinki on the opposite. Jinki is look at the painting of Jonghyun upside down but it doesn’t really matter, he knows the features of the Head Angel well enough. Kibum has a crease between his eyebrows as he tries to make sense of the fact that Jinki knows the picture of the angel in the book. Jinki would still very much like to know why Jonghyun is depicted in a human book with his wings but his curiosity has been replaced with nervousness at knowing what kind of conversation is about to come. He has tried to persuade Kibum to forget it, to just cuddle on the couch and watch Christmas movies but Kibum is scarily determined. Jinki bites his lower lip before he sighs.

“His name is Jonghyun, he’s the Head Angel of the department for Seasonal Angels,” Jinki starts and he can see the questions pile up in Kibum’s eyes. “There are a few different kinds of angels. Guardian Angels are probably most well-known. Then there’s Seasonal Angels who are angels like me. There are Crisis Angels that deals mostly with life crises, there are Elemental Angels that deals mostly with natural disasters and the humans affected by them. Anyway, there’re a lot of angels and Jonghyun deals with Seasonal Angels.” Kibum’s eyes light up and Jinki sighs before he continues. “We’re not the only guys at Head Quarter, though.”

“Head Quarter?” Kibum butts in and Jinki sends him a kind smile.

“Yeah.”

Kibum looks towards the papers before he scribbles down notes on what Jinki has just told him. Jinki panics and reaches over the table to grab the paper and Kibum glares at him when he ends up putting a line on his table. They stare at each other for a few seconds until Jinki lets his shoulders hunch over and Kibum sighs deeply.

“I’m sorry,” he says and Jinki softens. As he hands the papers back to Kibum, their fingers brush.

“Can’t we talk about something else? Like how we should order food sometime soon because I’m getting kind of hungry,” Jinki says and Kibum is about to interrupt when his stomach growls and Jinki sends him a smirk. Kibum growls but let Jinki pull him out of the kitchen anyway.

 

✕✕✕

 

Jinki is conflicted. Being with Kibum again is wonderful. It’s better than he had ever expected it to be and he wants to soak up as much of it as possible before he has to leave again. But that’s the problem. Knowing that he is going to leave for yet another year in absolute solitude with only memories to keep him company is difficult and it makes it achingly hard to continue to snuggle up to Kibum.

He tries, he really does, and at times forgets that he’s about to leave but sometimes, like right now, Kibum just makes it so painfully obvious that they won’t be together for more than another two and a half weeks.

Kibum is standing on his tip-toes, trying to reach the new chandelier his parents have bought him for his birthday. It hangs in the middle of his bedroom and even though Kibum is tall, he’s not that tall and the wrinkled paper heart is not hanging the way he wants it to hang. Jinki stands in the door way and remembers last Christmas when they made the hearts together.

Kibum has suggested they decorate the apartment just like last year. He’s convinced there’s magic in the paper and it’s what ultimately lead him to Jinki. It’s a cute thought, really. It’s innocent, somehow, and naïve to believe in Christmas magic. Jinki wishes he never loses the belief.

Kibum puts a hand on his hip as he lands on his heels again, staring at the chandelier. There’s a confident smile painted on his lips and when he turns around and gets eye contact with Jinki, he chuckles a little.

“Look,” he says and Jinki lifts his gaze to the chandelier as well. He doesn’t get to actually look at the decorations, however, before he has an armful of Kibum against his chest. The response is automatic as Jinki wraps his arms around the younger boy and lets them sway gently on the floor. Kibum chuckles a little when he lets go and Jinki just sends him a cute smile.

The memories of being together is sweet but creating new ones are bittersweet and Jinki just wishes there is something, anything he can do to go back to life.

 

✕✕✕  
  


They haven’t spoken more about Jinki’s death nor have they spoken about Head Quarter but when Jinki lies awake at night and watches over his lover, he sees the way Kibum shifts in his sleep and awakens in the middle of the night, even if only for a few minutes. It worries Jinki but he doesn’t bring it up, too scared to know exactly what is on Kibum’s mind. He’s a coward and he knows, but not knowing is better than acknowledging that this might be their last Christmas together.

 

✕✕✕

 

On December 13th, Kibum brings him to Seoul. It’s a Friday and it’s Saint Lucy’s Day. Jinki doesn’t know why Kibum has decided to bring him to Seoul instead of staying in Daegu but Kibum refuses to say anything. Their hands are gently linked, a disguise not to get lost from one another in the middle of the many people and as soon as there’s air between them, Jinki releases Kibum’s hand.

He can feel the cold from the loss but tries to cover his own disappointment. South Korea is still not ready for openly gay couples and Jinki is still too afraid of getting verbally attacked. Kibum just sends him a small smile and leads him towards the Han River.

They’re sitting in front of the fountains eating gimbap bought from convenience stores as the dark of the night slowly descends on them. It’s only 5 PM but the street lights are on. There’s silence between them when they finish their food and Kibum scoots a little closer and leans his head on Jinki’s shoulder. A couple of children are playing on the rocks, trying not to get their feet wet and a young couple on a date strolls the lit path.

Jinki blinks when voices suddenly reach them and he blinks in confusion. He can’t find anyone singing but it’s obvious there’s a choir nearby, there has to be. They’re singing a Christmas Carol Jinki has never really heard of but it sounds beautiful. Kibum lifts his head from Jinki’s shoulder and sends him a small smile. Jinki frowns when he still doesn’t find the choir but the voices grow in volume.

When a woman dressed in a white dress walks down the path holding a lit candle followed by girls dressed in the same white dress, Jinki realises they’re the choir. They walk slowly, their candles and their dresses lighting up in the dark night. Their song brings tears to Jinki’s eyes as they walk passed and continues on their way. Kibum pokes his side and Jinki snorts a little to hide his wet eyes.

“Crybaby,” Kibum whispers and Jinki looks at him with a smile. Kibum’s eyes are wet as well but he tries not to let it show. Jinki starts humming the melody and Kibum huffs out loud in a choked laughter.

The two men sit in the darkness as the moon looks over them and the orange street light cover they paths in delicate light. The cold weather doesn’t seem to bother them and none of them seem to notice the soft snowflakes that start to fall from the sky. Their fingers intertwine as they watch each other with soft smiles.

 

✕✕✕

 

“How did you die?” Kibum asks two days later when they’re back in his apartment in Daegu. It’s 1 PM and Jinki chokes on his piece of apple. Kibum pats his back and Jinki coughs. They have never spoken about his death so directly but Kibum’s gaze is questioning and determined. He wants to know. Jinki hits his chest twice with a fist before he swallows and looks up with teary eyes.

“W-why?” he asks and Kibum sits down on the floor where Jinki is sitting. He still looks at Jinki with determination in his eyes and Jinki feels his heart shrink. He doesn’t want to talk about his death with Kibum. It had been hard enough to tell the rest of the Christmas Angels and the guilt and the shame runs down his spine.

“How did you die?” Kibum asks again without answering Jinki’s question and Jinki looks towards the floor, apple forgotten and he starts tracing circles on the floor with his finger.

He stays silent as he lets memories he never really wanted wash over him. He remembers the depression and the hopelessness months before. He remembers planning it all out, how he had looked for through timetables and stations to find the perfect place to take his own life. It had been so easy yet so difficult. Every day leading up to his death had been a mixture of hope and dread and shame. The shame had been the worst and it hasn’t lessened when he thinks about it again. It’s like he’s being judged for his choice of death. Taemin hadn’t made it easier but Jinki doesn’t really blame him. The only one he truly blames is himself.

Kibum reaches out to pat his hand and bring him back and Jinki looks up with a gasp. Kibum sends him a soft smile and links their fingers but the question still hangs low in the air and the tension in the room needs an answer. Jinki takes a deep breath.

“Suicide,” he lets out shakily and Kibum blinks in succession. Jinki hopes he heard him. He doesn’t think there’s any way he could actually say it out loud again. Then Kibum lowers his head and Jinki thins his lips for a few seconds before he scoots a little closer.

“I’m sorry,” he says. Jinki doesn’t know why he apologizes to Kibum but it helps with the guilt he feels. Kibum looks up with wet eyes before he wraps his arms around Jinki in an embrace. They sit there in the silence of the living room. Jinki is confused. He hates talking about his death because the memories are unpleasant but Kibum deserves to know. Kibum shouldn’t be comforting Jinki, not like this. It’s wrong. Jinki pulls away from the embrace, just slightly and lifts his chin so they get eye contact.

“Why do you ask, love?”

There’s silence between them before Kibum leans in to capture Jinki’s lips in a soft kiss. The kiss is so full of love that Jinki almost forgets why he’s here and what they were talking about but when Kibum pulls away and utters his reason, it all comes surging down again.

“I want to die.”

Jinki pulls out of his embrace and stares at the other boy. Kibum bites his lower lip for a second before he sighs and crawls back towards Jinki so he can climb into his lap and wrap his arms back around Jinki’s shoulders. They sit like that for a few minutes, Jinki unable to understand Kibum’s words.

“What?” he asks. Kibum nods slightly.

“I don’t want you to leave,” he says and Jinki feels the guilt twist his heart. If guilt could kill, Jinki would have died yet again.

“That’s ridiculous, Kibum. I don’t want you to die!”

Jinki can feel his guilt turn to anger when Kibum looks at him with wide, innocent eyes. Dying is not something you decide to do just like that and certainly not for someone like Jinki. Jinki brought it upon himself and he will deal with the loss of Kibum when December 26th comes around, but he doesn’t want Kibum to lose his humanity.

“There’s nothing here for me without you,” Kibum counters and Jinki takes a deep breath so he doesn’t start shouting. Kibum is still sitting in Jinki’s lap, his fingers drawing hesitant circles on Jinki’s shoulder blades.

“Kibum, love, you don’t know what you’re talking about,” Jinki says and Kibum frowns, his fingers stopping their movement.

“I’ve spent a year thinking about this. Seeing you again just confirmed it. Jinki, I don’t want you to leave.”

Kibum looks at him sternly and Jinki closes his eyes so he doesn’t have to deal with the deep brown eyes he has fallen in love with. It doesn’t last long, though, and when Jinki opens his eyes, Kibum is still there in front of him, determination still present in his eyes.

“What if you get tired of me in two months? Then you’ll have lost your life for nothing,” Jinki says and Kibum snorts offended.

“Come on, give yourself some credit! I want to be with you forever, Jinki. If dying means being together, then I’m going to die as well.”

“Kibum…”

Kibum shakes his head and puts a finger on Jinki’s lips to shut him up.

“No. Listen to me, okay? I want to die because there’s nothing left here for me. I love you and we both know you’re going to leave again when Christmas is over. There’s no guarantee I’ll see you next year, Jinki and it breaks my heart to be away from you. I don’t want to leave you ever again and Head Quarter doesn’t sound like a bad place to stay.”

Jinki exhales deeply.

“What about your mother? Will you really let her go through losing her husband, her mother-in-law and her son in three consecutive years?”

This has Kibum snarling and pulling away slightly.

“My mom has nothing to do with this!” he says and Jinki wraps his arms around Kibum, holding him close. The anger that bubbled underneath his skin has slowly died down and Kibum’s simmering anger is of utmost importance.

If they have another fight, Jinki is going to end Downstairs and he doesn’t want that. He also doesn’t want to see Kibum mad. He doesn’t want Kibum to die but when Kibum is angry there’s no way to talk to him logically. Jinki might have made the mistake of his life when he killed himself in November but he won’t let Kibum, whom he loves, take away what is most precious.

“I’m sorry,” Jinki whispers into Kibum’s ear as he holds him close and rocks slightly on the floor. Kibum calms down with an exhale but he doesn’t apologize and he doesn’t retract his wish. “Think about it Kibum. I’ll come back next year, we can talk about it next year.”

Jinki doesn’t hear the answer but he feels Kibum slightly shake his head and he knows, deep within, that it’s a lost battle.

 

✕✕✕

 

They don’t speak of it in the following days as they go Christmas shopping and buy each other small insignificant presents and takes pictures in photo booths. Kibum calls it proof that Jinki is real and he hasn’t gone insane, even though they both know that isn’t the reason. Jinki wishes he could bring pictures of Kibum back to Head Quarter but it comforts him to know that Kibum is so adamant about remembering him. Kibum laughs when Jinki grimaces on a specific picture and pulls it from Jinki’s hands so he can’t throw it away.

“I’m keeping this,” Kibum says when his laughter dies down and Jinki whines, attracting a few stares.

They walk through the streets while they eat fish bread and shares tales of what they’ve done throughtout the year. When Jinki admits to his grounding, Kibum sends him a soft smile that speaks volumes. Jinki just waves the gratitude away with a chuckle but Kibum still squeezes his bicep just slightly to say I love you.

They cross a playground and Kibum wipes the snow from the swing so he can sit on it without getting his pants wet. Jinki grabs onto the strings and gently sways the swing back and forth. Kibum almost tips off and he glares at Jinki until they both start laughing. Children look at them from the slide but none of the two men notice the looks that are sent their way.

“You know,” Kibum starts when he stops the swing with his feet and keeps it steady, almost toppling Jinki into his back at the sudden standstill.

“Huh?” Jinki says and rests his hands on Kibum’s shoulders so he can play with the yarn on top of Kibum’s hat.

“Nah, nevermind.”

Kibum shakes his head and Jinki shakes the strings to show the frustration but Kibum just gets off the swing and Jinki nearly topples forward again. Kibum eats the last of his snack before he reaches his hand back and invites Jinki to take it.

They continue their way through the city as they talk about this and that and learn things about each other they still don’t know. Jinki finds it amazing, really, that he has fallen in love with Kibum so easily, but the childhood stories Kibum tells only make him adorable and admirable and Jinki thinks it’s the best decision he’s ever unconsciously made. Kibum frowns when he looks at Jinki’s soft smile before he shakes his head and mumbles something that sounds a lot like “you’re too much”. Jinki thinks he doesn’t mind being too much if it means loving Kibum.

When they enter the apartment, they’re both slightly tipsy on beer and love and they barely make it to the living room before they’re kissing. Kibum is wrapping his legs around Jinki’s midsection, keeping himself upright with his hands on Jinki’s shoulders. Jinki’s hands are wrapped below Kibum’s thighs, carrying him through the apartment as they lose themselves to one another.

Jinki and Kibum hasn’t had sex yet, their love short-lived and their relationship new and special. Jinki hasn’t wanted to pressure Kibum to anything and he doesn’t really like sex all that much either if he’s to be honest. He doesn’t see what’s special in it. Right now, however, he doesn’t care where their kissing leads. It could lead to the cuddling or more. Kibum’s lips are chapped from the cold and his fingertips are cold after his gloves and Jinki loves the goosebumps that rise on his skin. Kibum doesn’t seem to notice but that’s okay.

When Jinki tries to sit down in the couch, Kibum jumps from where he’s sitting and his feet land on the floor with a slight thump.

“No,” he murmurs against Jinki’s lips and Jinki pulls away in confusion. Kibum growls slightly before he presses his lips to Jinki’s again. His hands slide over Jinki’s chest until one finds its way up to his shoulders and down his arm. Fingers link around his wrist and their kiss breaks once again when Kibum pulls Jinki towards the bedroom. It’s dark in the room but none of the bothers with turning on the light.

They’re kissing again as they hit the bed, Jinki’s head hitting the soft mattress and he gives himself away. They spend a majority of the time just kissing, no rushing. There’s nothing inappropriate in the way they’re kissing nor in the way hands are softly exploring bodies still dressed in winter clothes.

When Kibum breaks their kiss and looks at Jinki, Jinki almost whines. Kibum’s hands are toying with the neck of Jinki’s sweater.

“Can I?” he asks in a whisper and Jinki nods. The smile Kibum sends him is so beautiful Jinki wishes he had given permission long before. As Kibum pulls Jinki’s sweater off, Jinki leans up to capture his lips just once again. They kiss again, slow and passionate and loving, and everything is a dream. Kibum lets his hands run over Jinki’s skin and Jinki feels the shiver down his spine.

There’s something about the atmosphere, something about the kisses, that makes him feel so special, so treasured. Kibum pulls off his long-sleeved shirt when Jinki starts toying with the hem and he shivers visibly under the touch. Jinki’s fingers are rough and dry on Kibum’s soft stomach and it’s the most beautiful thing he has ever seen.

They don’t end up having sex when their kisses turn lazy and their touches become soft. It’s exploring and adventuring without needing the physical intimacy of being naked. Jinki knows it’ll happen some day if their relationship continues like this but he isn’t going to rush the day. There is something beautiful about taking it slowly with Kibum.

 

✕✕✕

 

“Is that?” Jinki asks and Kibum nods. On the refrigerator is a small piece of dried mistletoe hung in a small red string. Jinki lets his finger over the dried plant before he opens the refrigerator to look for the milk. It’s the morning on December 20th and he’s in the mood for cereal. Kibum has chocolate cereal and it’s childish and it’s exactly what Jinki is desiring. Kibum, himself, is reading the news on his smartphone while he eats a croissant along with a few pieces of orange. It’s unhealthy but it’s homely and that’s all that truly matters.

When Jinki pours his cereal, he eyes the mistletoe again. Then he gets a silly idea. As he puts the milk back into the refrigerator, he dips down and opens the freezer below. Kibum raises an eyebrow at him but doesn’t say anything.

“Hey love,” Jinki says and looks over his shoulder at Kibum. “You don’t have any meat in the freezer.”

This has Kibum putting his phone down and walking towards Jinki so he too can sit down and look through the freezer.

“I swore I still had…” he says and reaches in a on a shelf where he finds chicken. He looks at Jinki with a frown and Jinki points towards the ceiling.

“Guess we’re both under the mistletoe, so now you have to kiss me,” he says and Kibum blinks confused before he notices the plant on refrigerator.

“You’re an idiot,” Kibum says and hands Jinki the frozen chicken before he leans in and pecks him. Kibum gets up so he can continue eating his breakfast and Jinki smiles wide, satisfied with his own mischief.

They decide to go grocery shopping anyway because they need food for Christmas Eve and none of them wants to eat fast food on what is their last day together. Kibum has decided they should go out to eat but Jinki wants to eat something homemade. Kibum writes a shopping list and Jinki keeps adding chocolate to it. They dress up in warm clothes before they head out, hands linked this time. Kibum’s gloves have ripped on his fingers and he insists that he’s going to freeze if Jinki doesn’t hold his hand. Jinki thinks it has more to do with just being together, feeling one another than it does with the cold.

The trip to the shop isn’t long at all and soon enough they’re walking around inside, discussing what kind of vegetables goes best with the chicken. Jinki keeps sneaking chocolate into the cart and Kibum keeps putting it back but it just makes Jinki’s heart beat in joy.

They walk back from the grocery store hand in hand as well, Jinki carrying the bag of groceries so Kibum doesn’t have to. Kibum carries a big box of pocky’s in the hand that doesn’t hold onto Jinki. It hadn’t been on the list but with the promise of the pocky game, Kibum had caved in anyway. Jinki skips in his steps and almost stumbles over a slight bump in the pavement. Kibum starts laughing at his misfortune and Jinki just releases his hand in revenge.

It doesn’t take long before their hands are linked again. None of them sees the small boy that looks at them with wide eyes and a natural curiosity.

Putting the groceries away takes longer than expected when Jinki opens the pocky’s and dares Kibum to eat the rest of the pocky in his mouth. Their kisses turn to giggles and stomach aches when they have consumed most of the pocky’s and Kibum sinks onto the couch and reaches towards the remote control.

Jinki plops down beside him, hand slung over his chest and he kisses Kibum’s neck once, twice before he turns around in his hold and turns towards the television as well. Kibum wraps his arm over Jinki’s midsection and lightly lets his fingers run over his abdomen. Jinki sighs in content when Kibum presses a kiss to his temple before they settle in for real.

There are old Christmas movies playing and they stay on the couch for hours until Kibum has to pee. When he comes back, Jinki has fallen asleep and Kibum watches him fondly, determination suddenly taking over his eyes.

 

✕✕✕

 

On December 22nd Kibum brings up Jinki’s death again. Jinki frowns slightly and shakes his head when Kibum asks if they can talk about it because he wants to know. Jinki doesn’t want to tell, however. This only makes Kibum frown as well.

“We’re supposed to love each other,” Kibum says, slightly offended and Jinki widens his eyes in surprise.

“I do love you!” he says and Kibum draws his knees near his chest and rests his head on them.

“Why won’t you tell me about your darkest times then?” he asks and Jinki sighs.

“That’s low, Kibum, and you know it.”

Kibum sighs and nods against his knees but he doesn’t change his position.

“I’m sorry. It’s true, though. I want to know what made you kill yourself…”

Jinki takes a deep breath.

“Severe depression over several years. I don’t really want to talk about it, and you know that. Now you have it, though. The reason to my death. Mental illness. Does that change anything?”

Jinki swallows the lump in his throat when he watches Kibum’s eyes turn soft. He slowly retracts himself from the position he’s sitting in and scoots closer to Jinki so he can wrap his arms around him.

“No, not between us. But it’s nice to know you weren’t abused,” Kibum says and Jinki scoffs slightly.

“Oh please,” he says but Kibum just stays firm. They don’t talk more about Jinki’s death but unspoken questions still lie in the air.

 

✕✕✕

 

The mood is heavy when they wake up on December 25th knowing that when midnight strikes they will once again be left to their own for another 11 months. Jinki doesn’t want to wake up but he also doesn’t want to stay in bed for another second without Kibum there, so when Kibum gets up, Jinki does too. They cling to one another throughout the day, even though it limits their movements. Jinki can feel the sadness spread over the apartment, the heavy air that lies on them. He wants to promise to come back but he still doesn’t know if it’s actually a possibility.

They haven’t spoken of Kibum’s death wish and they haven’t spoken of Jinki’s death either. Jinki doesn’t want to tell Kibum more about Head Quarter and Kibum doesn’t ask. They both avoid the topic of the evening with mundane small talk. Around midday Jinki sighs and turns to Kibum.

“I love you, you know that, right?” he asks and Kibum sends him a soft smile.

“I love you too,” he says and Jinki nods a little. He doesn’t want their last day to be filled with the sadness of departing, so he forces himself to shake the thoughts away. Christmas doesn’t get easier but it makes the mood slightly less tense and the heavy air dissipates a little between them.

Kibum cuddles up to him and links their hands, while Jinki cooks only to make it more difficult. Neither of them care, however, because right now December 25 is forever. They’re standing in each other’s arms, rocking gently back and forth to Christmas carols while Jinki hums along. Kibum has his eyes closed and they’re just waiting for the music to end.

“You should sing more often,” Kibum says and Jinki looks at him with surprise.

“Really?” he asks and Kibum nods.

“Your voice suits Christmas carols,” he says and chuckles a little. “It’s so soft and beautiful. I’m glad I got to hear it when you decided to sing in choirs for me.”

Jinki blushes slightly at the memories and the praise but he’s happy nonetheless.

“You never sang for me, though,” Jinki counters and Kibum leans up to press a kiss to his nose.

“I’m not an angel, so I can’t sing like you.”

Jinki doesn’t think singing has anything to do with being an angel but he lets Kibum’s excuse pass and doesn’t say more. They continue cooking when the song changes again and the radio host starts talking and sending out Christmas wishes.

Their dinner is a feast but none of them have a huge appetite. They sit in the kitchen, candles lit on the table and snow falling outside the window. The weather is a dreamy winter and a wonderful Christmas and Jinki bets the city looks like a winter wonderland. Kibum closes his eyes for a minute before he starts eating and Jinki sends him a quizzical look. Kibum doesn’t reveal what he has been thinking in that minute.

As they eat, the mood slowly turns dim again and they cling to each other on the couch, lazy kisses exchanged between presents. There’s nothing new to their evening and it’s nothing new when Jinki’s body starts pulling him towards the hallway and control slips through his fingers as the clock strikes midnight. Kibum kisses him one last time, whispers of I love you following Jinki up the stairs and into Head Quarter.

 

✕✕✕

 

This time he doesn’t get grounded, but it doesn’t make it easier. Just like two years ago, Krystal invites him to Yunho’s apartment for their so-called party after another well-done Christmas, but Jinki’s mood is different this year. It’s not a happy time, not really. Knowing that he has another 11 months before he can see Kibum hurts so awfully bad and nothing the rest of them do to cheer him up works. It’s not like Jinki can actually admit that he has fallen in love with a human either, so he doesn’t.

 

✕✕✕

 

Jonghyun knows something is off when Jinki keeps staring at the paperwork, the same life story he has read twice already, only with the addition of his presence in Kibum’s life. Luna doesn’t say anything, but keeps sending him soft smiles and knowing gazes. Jinki wishes someone would just acknowledge that he has fucked up. Maybe, he thinks, someone will come up with a solution that can help them be together for the rest of their lives. Jinki believes he’s the only one at Head Quarter stupid enough to be here despite the love that is bound to die out sooner or later because the dead cannot love the living. He sighs and buries his face in his desk.

It feels like every day drags on and Jinki doesn’t know what happens around him. He hears Minseok talk to someone new and he knows that Kai and Taemin still are trying to hide their relationship. He knows Minho is more stressed than usual and Ravi has been assembling bodies for days after two busses collided in a violent crash, leaving a few people dismembered.

When Jinki hears Kibum’s voice softly in the background, he thinks he has finally gone insane. He didn’t know angels could be insane but maybe it’s on time he resigns if he has started hallucinating. It doesn’t help that Kibum’s voice grows in volume and it isn’t until he hears a whisper in his ears and feels the wind of breath of his skin that he deems himself fully insane.

“Hey trainwreck.”

Jinki turns around, expecting to meet nothing but stares into the two chocolate brown eyes he has fallen in love with. Kibum sends him a soft smile before he leans down and captures Jinki’s lips. Jinki lets confusion overtake his mind and love overtake his heart as he kisses Kibum back. They can deal with everything else afterwards.

 

✕✕✕

 

(“Hey Minho, I was … who are you?” Taemin says and both Minho and the stranger in front of him look towards him.

“Oh, Taemin, this is Kibum, he’s new in Monitoring. Mind showing him around?”

“Uh yes,” Taemin says and frowns. Minho ignores him, pushes a paper in Kibum’s hand and then pushes him towards Taemin. Taemin just groans.

 

“So you’re trainwreck’s boyfriend?” Taemin asks and Kibum nods, still baffled with the million screens in front of him. This is nothing like he imagined Head Quarter. It’s not even what Jinki described it to be like. When he registers Taemin’s words, he blinks confused and turns to the skinny boy.

“Wait, trainwreck?”

Taemin nods.

“Yes, uh, what was his name… He’s a Christmas Angel, that guy who got grounded last year, oh my god, come on Taemin, think!”

“Jinki?” Kibum tries softly and Taemin lights up.

“Yes! Jinki! Trainwreck!”

Kibum blinks again at the odd nickname.

“Why do you call him trainwreck?” he asks. Taemin’s eyes light up in mischief.)


End file.
